Journal entry from the past

 August 25, 2022

1:26pm 

Lord…I really feel happy. 

I know emotions don’t define life and reality, but they are part of life and reality.  I think my happiness comes from knowing You are my God.  

I want to just be still right now.  

I really pray (even though I don’t pray often) that Noah would not have Down syndrome and that he wouldn’t have to get surgery and that he would somehow just come out completely healthy and handsome. 

BUT, I want Your will not mine.  If Noah having DS is the best for him and all of us then I want him to have DS.  I want the definition of Your plan because You see it all, know it all, and love me and my family more than I ever could.  So help me cling to that as my safe place.  

I pray also for Ben.  And for myself.  For our marriage.  We really need Your mercy.  I think on a good day like today it’s hard to feel desperate and recall just how crazy we both can be and how dangerous we are to each other and our kids, but that is the truth.  Our sin traps us and our children to the plans of the enemy and I pray against that in the name of Jesus.  I pray You help me be the kind of wife You designed for humans when You made them, when You established the covenantal act of marriage.  I pray I would respect Ben and submit to him as You would like me to….what do You see about our relationship? Our marriage? Our parenting? Our ministry?  Our way of being? 

How can we help one another to be as You made us to be? 

How can we glorify You? 

Am I too afraid to see or hear it because it’s too uncomfortable? 

Lord in what way can I better do my marriage with Ben?  What should I do or not do? What should I think?  How should I act? 

Lord is there anything I could be doing better or more?  

I know I really do laundry and clean well, but I want to prioritize spending time in prayer but then I always get so sleepy.  Help me have more stamina to pray.  

Lord is there anything You want me to say particularly for night prayer tonight? 

Hidden life. 

“Set your minds on what is above, 

not on what is on the earth.”

‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:2‬ ‭