I got to hold my son skin to skin for the first time today and as soon as I felt the warmth of his fuzzy little body against mine I swelled up with tears because this was how it was supposed to be. It felt long overdue. The connection I felt was so strong. This was my son. As the nurse maneuvered all the wires and tubes so that I could hold him I was thankful for this little guy. Here we were, skin to skin, just needing one another and loving it.
There are some days where I really have to fight to believe that this is all a part of God’s good plan for my life, but other days it’s pretty easy to see—for example, because Noah is in the NICU I’ve been able to pump and recover pretty well. My mom has been watching my two other kids and our church community has been delivering meals to us everyday. It’s been very nice—unlike the first few weeks with a newborn at home where it’s hectic and no one sleeps! Then I see how this was all part of a good plan for everyone, but especially for me. God is helping me to gear up for what’s to come and He has given me this time of rest and reflection.
Noah is still not ready to start trial feedings with actual food (because his output is kind of green and still there), so they told us it would be at least another two days before they tried giving him my breastmilk. When I was with him I could hear his tummy rumbling because he’s hungry and that broke my heart. I want to give him food and I want him to be able to eat! But I know God is in control so I don’t have to be.
We are simply waiting, and honestly the waiting is only hard when I let my imagination run away from the truth. But as I talk to God in every feeling and moment I am reminded that He is well aware of all the details and He wants me to simply trust in His way and His plan and mostly in His character. And I choose to believe in all of that because as Peter once said “Where would I go? You hold the words that bring eternal life.” (John 6:68)
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