Today we went to the NICU and the doctor on shift happened to be a mother of a special needs kid and she gave us all the information for something called “regional centers” which is a state funded program for kids with special needs (like Down Syndrome). She went into detail about the benefits of free help from OT and PT and speech therapists. As she talked I felt both grateful that such support was available but also overwhelmed that this would soon possibly be part of my new life with Noah. I have had friends who have kids that attend speech therapy and need OT and PT, but I never thought I would be the one needing it for my child. Call me ignorant, but I always thought my children would all be healthy and grow up the way I did—not needing any extra kind of help. It’s strange because it feels as if there are so many more risks involved now that extra help is NECESSARY. It’s not a luxury it’s a need because without it Noah could fall behind in many areas which would lead to future complications. This is a new normal for me.
I started to think “will I have enough time to invest in Noah’s extra needs as well as attend to my two other kids? Will I be able to keep up with Noah’s needs or will I mess things up for him? What will my schedule look like? How will my kids handle it? What if …what about…will I…will he be okay?” My mind fills with questions, but I have to capture all those what ifs and what abouts and just talk to God. He knows. He’s aware. And He will not leave me to fend for myself or my children. He will take me every step of the way. I need only DEPEND on Him each day. To take each day with confidence not in any program or even in my self or my resources, but confidence in God—that He is with me and if He is with me I will be able to do whatever needs to be done for His will to be done in my life and in the life of my family. Control is an illusion that I don’t need. I need to rely on Christ.
So, as I look at my son’s cute face in the NICU, I know I’m in for a new normal, but it won’t be overwhelming because God knows what I can and can’t handle. My only role is to abide in Him each day and do what needs to be done trusting God in the process. What my family needs most is for me to bear fruit by the power of the Holy Spirit, and I can do that only when I am abiding in Him in the innermost parts of my heart. It’s the sweet moments between me and the Lord—whether late at night or during a midnight pumping session—I can talk to God, give Him my cares, and remember that He will never leave me to fend for myself. He wants me to rely on Him like my children rely on me. And I want to rely on Him because if I don’t I just don’t know how to handle everything…I may have an idea, but I don’t trust my way. Like I said, control is an illusion, so much could go wrong that I have no power over—but if God is the One who is fighting for me and walking with me then all things become possible. I may not understand everything, but I don’t have to. I just need to trust that God’s timing, God’s way and God’s plan is perfect.
And then I just take each day with gratitude and peace because God has me right where He wants me and He will be the One to lead me to where I need to be next.
I believe that being in the NICU or participating in Regional centers and whatever else may become part of our new normal-God knows. And this is the life He has given me to bless the world and be a light in dark places. For His glory and my good!
He is good.
PS: I’m not just saying that or preaching to myself, but I am reminding myself of what I believe to be true. When my emotions give way to thoughts that are not true or to fear that isn’t a fear of God but a fear of circumstances—I have to remember the truth and anchor my mind in it. Because emotions are like currents—they can push you one way or another, but the truth is a destination that you choose to return to again and again when you find that you’ve been pushed or driven away from it. My destination is to draw closer to God no matter what my emotions may do to me. I must choose to remember where I want to go and turn back when necessary.
Perhaps this is why I don’t feel so scared about Noah in the NICU with all his tubes and needles wrapped about his fragile body. My emotions may bring me to tears but my truth is that God knows and He is taking care of everything for me.
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