if flowers do wither and windows do crack,

if rain dissipates and the sky looms black,

if our senses fail us and we shiver alone,

if everything feels like a torrent just adding to the storm,

hands cold, eyes closed, situated in the unknown.

Lately I've been thinking I'm not myself.

I don't know whether I know myself in such a definitive term, but I know what I'm not, and I'm certainly not the person as of late, it's as if an impostor has seized control,

the issue of control.

school.

grades.

family.

love.

church.

faith.

body.

food.

travel.

money.

cycle.

cycle.

the horizon lays beyond my reach, and every step I take keeps me at a distance.

I want my ambition back.

A familiar tone and a familiar face

she speaks with time interlaced

once just young and obnoxiously curious,

now pensive and strong like a thick flower's stem

her words move with strength and flow like waves,

the honesty in every pause keeps listening ears engaged

When did this change occur?

Perhaps during my absence,

life is a surprise only because we cannot witness all of it

we are given one scope of vision,

each to his or her own path

but the world is full of them,

lives weaving and crossing, sometimes paralleled.

Change comes in strange places,

what once irked one may now bring one to tears,

life continues to occur with everyone individually, simultaneously

here she embarks on the next footfall,

in this brief encounter where our threads weave together

I watch in wonder of the grand scope of the painting of the world.

i used to be unbroken,

Mended daily by prayer,

spoken softly with hands that felt,

lips that spoke, and

a heart that soared.

reaching for a trace of that memory,

recalled by innocence,

sought,

blinded by distortion,

eaten by frivolity,

take, take, take

cease the unrelenting torture,

hold still the trembling, wait

time will peace keep,

down, and up as direction can go.

clean face

wipe that smug smile off your face, it's insolence slapping the screen.
Your pretentious quietness blows explosions out of the sky, the sky being my mind.
I can't take it anymore, I don't want to hear your silence any longer.
I am impulsive and estranged from your words, from your attempts to save me.
This is not a plea or a cry for help, but rather, this is the truth; the person who, while you were around was gagged and held hostage behind the closed doors of some superficial decency.
What is decency? Who benefits from the Truth being locked away for the sake of kindness, and is it kindness or is it a seed planted beneath the soil of your mind that, when watered, will grow into an immense obstruction to your view of life. A vast plant with roots sprawled out and attached to your heart, your eyes, your mind, your bones and veins, all connected back to this carcass of nature. Or do such paradoxes not exist? Is it possible for something with kind intent to grow into utter corruption? Take this note as a warning for all the times the Truth may be in hostage in the moment of realization or potential vulnerability. When your worst fears or even sensitive inklings are expressed but not addressed, remember that Truth could be silent in your companions heart; it could be gagged by secrecy or "kind intent", but if you listen carefully, listen for every intonation and tone of sound, even the slightest inflections can trigger a sensitivity in your hearing, catch it. Catch it and examine it, and choose carefully what you do with it, because if you plant the words they say without filtering out the messages unsaid, whether they exist or not, you might just be investing in a seed of self destruction. It isn't always as obvious as the words, sometimes it's in the gestures, in the eyes, in the unseen but felt exchanges of atmosphere. Even a clean face can hold a grimy cell where the truth is locked away. Find it and search for it, I will not plant everything you say to me because of that.

the soul

They seek that which most terrifies and causes all my limbs to tremble,
the terror lies trapped in the skin welded to the soul, remains
washing in and out like an unsteady stare
with eyes inside kept away beneath stirred waters

sitting silent as a prisoner for treason it swallows
thoughts and the mind; the senses devoured
my very own freedom tied to this coward, mindless
without breathe it remains focused and hidden

always confused unaware of its grasp
this terror threatens life, yet sustains
only like an abandoned sunken ship
keeping still and rich, it must be explored.

-Jamie Shin

Listen to your thoughts

"For as he thinketh in his heart; so is he"

-Prov. 23:7

You are what you think. A lesson I have been learning repeatedly over the past 2 years. For

some reason I feel God has impressed it upon my heart to really focus on what goes on in my mind. I am not one who can easily overlook or pass a thought nonchalantly in any manner, instead I tend to examine a thought from multiple angles, feel the thought, question the thought, analyze it, and ultimately break it down into microscopic sub-thoughts until it is no longer a single thought, but somehow connected to my entire being. I know...it sounds insane, but the point is that there is a profound essence in the way we think that, on the surface, may seem frivolous or unimportant, but in reality it may well just be a building block of something bigger and more mentally powerful that cultivates the way we see ourselves and the world we live in. Most of the time our thoughts seem to circulate in our heads, in other words, we t

end to tell ourselves or think the same things over and over again because we have chosen to give in to that thought, and so by allowing the thought to enter into our minds, we are feeding our mentalities (which lead to perspectives/outlook on life) with these thoughts that are digested and remain present until we make an active effort to remove them. For me, thoughts have shown themselves to be quite powerful in my life, because when I examine my current thoughts I can see that it directly correlates with the way my life is lived. The importance of being "mentally" alert has struck a resounding chord within me, and has made me realize that I have been feeding my mind with "lukewarm" thoughts that have been hindering the more excellent and grand perspective that I know God desires for me to have. By

allowing these "stale" thoughts to fester in the crevices of my mind, I was allowing a "stale" perspective on myself and on life to grow larger and larger with each dose of a single "lukewarm" thought. But by the grace of God I can be set free from this type of thinking, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding is what will reconcile my mind to let go of such thoughts that take away from what God wants me to see. It's been a struggle these days to really grasp my faith in God, and I was beginning to think that nothing was really making sense, and that logic was nowhere to be found or even slightly felt...leaving me feeling overwhelmingly confused and hopeless, which also led to feeling miserable about life and empty

since life without God just seemed so meaningless. But God loves me, and that love is so powerful, powerful enough to override logic in someone like me who over thinks and analyzes everything in order to make sense of it, because it felt like an alarm clock in my mind kept going off about how my mind was under attack, and that I needed to examine my cognitive activity more than just my external environment. The world is so easy to see with physical eyes, we tend to forget that most of what we see and know all come from how we perceive them first in the mind. So then it would only go to show that how we think directly influences how we act, live, and thrive with others and towards ourselves. I definitely have som

e strongholds in my mind that need to be broken down, and the "stale" thoughts to be destroyed for good so that I will be able to administer the hopeful, promising thoughts of God's will for my life, His good and perfect will.

Philippians 1:6-

"⁶being confident of this, that he who began a good work

in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I need to begin today by carefully examining my thoughts and being aware of when the stale one's start surfacing (to extinguish them right away) and replace them with thoughts of strength, power, and joy and love.

Power in words

God will bring about completion.

daaaang.

I haven't forgotten about Job...

Job is postponed...indefinitely. -_-;;

I should probably just write.

I have to get out of this writer's block.

write write write weitwetwesfweriteweirte.

sigh.

it's and its.

unlock.

yes, I am flawed and I don't always say the right thing at the right time. I sometimes prefer to take a nap than do something productive. I catch myself daydreaming during important lectures. I am constantly beating my body in resentment for all the things it does and does not do, because I know my spirit wants something else. I am a reed in the wind, but my God is the tender hand that catches my flailing body and firmly protects it with love, and for that I will continue to fight and not lose hope. Love is all you need, and God is love.

I strangely do not have much going on in my head...the thoughts have quieted over the past few weeks, it feels quite strange to be so still, and yet I feel as though something is being suppressed. hmm. Sometimes I think I'm too calm that it just can't be right. Perhaps it's the summer season that has begun to waft in that is causing all this balmy temperance.

in the tossing torrent,

this storm is reckless,

but now I call for peace,

here I pray for rest,

to find a way to reach

and hold on to the unknown,

hold on to a spark,

and watch the fire blaze

watch it with a steady gaze

I'm ready for something more

take these walls down

take my heart now,

show me what this thing called love is.

...and in the divine nature of things I come to a conclusive end of no end at all.

The battle will continue to rage on whether or not I am ready or even alive.

All things remain constantly moving, as in Newtons first law, until an external force causes change.

What then can my personal external force be in the ever tumultuous tossing waves of my life?

What will stop me from the negative habits I've bestowed upon myself?

How can I reverse these subtle deformations that have grown into full blown atrocities?

Where does one begin in search of such a powerful anecdote?

and why do I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again.

but alas, hope comes in unexpected forms.

forms of writing, in singing, in reading, in thinking, and yes even in eating.

well perhaps these forms are not so unexpected being that they are in the artistic realm of things, giving them the reputation of inspiration and naturally of hope...

other forms have arisen apart from the usual; such as observing children on a school bus or worn out men in wrinkled dress shirts walking to work at 9am. strangely both have inspired me to look more closely at life and see the outcome of our decisions, and thus hope forms in the details of those realizations. Awareness which leads to a resistance to mediocrity.

The way to such a transformation must, in my case, be organically brewed from scratch.

First, the decision,

second the mind,

third the intention,

fourth the concentration,

fifth the discipline,

sixth the behavior,

and seventh the perseverance.

One habit, one mistake, one wrong turn at a time will be analyzed and made right.

One at a time, and not twenty at once as I have been so formally accustomed to attempt.

Breaking one negative habit in exchange for fostering a new positive one.

the goal the goal, keep focused on the goal!

chemicals react and my body may groan, but all things are possible with my God who is master of the unknown!

let it be, that I am free.

I have these chains around my hands

they pull me deep under dry sands,

they enslave my motions

like being tossed by angry oceans

I can't bear to think of my present state

all strength seems to slowly dissipate

knowing that I am chained to something horrible

these chains around my hands only cause trouble

they drag me away from people I long to see

they clinch at my veins and suffocate me

I look down at my hands and see pain

These chains take away so much from me

these chains take away so much of me

these chains are not real, but a mentality.

I am free.

I believe.

Let it be.

new dangers

And now we face the night when everything turns from white to black,

the edges of our hearts are singed with fear and an unwelcome atrocity.

We lie there stripped of our integrity wondering what just happened.

Nothing seems to make sense the way it did just days before,

and suddenly we feel hopeless and weak and irredeemable.

Irrational, reckless, dangerous.

The thoughts that roll through our minds keep taunting us,

forming and deforming into webs of intricate lies.

This is the danger of putting down your guard,

zoning out for just a few seconds is all it takes.

When the mind ceases to be tame all hell breaks lose in silent subtlety.

Where is faith?

Where is strength?

Where is discipline?

Where is truth?

Where is power?

But Jesus said:

"Beat your plowshares into swords

and your pruning hooks into spears.

Let the weakling say,

"I AM STRONG!"

-Joel 3:10

Where is truth?

John 17:17:

"Sanctify them by your truth; your Word IS TRUTH."

We are called by God to be more than conquerors, even in the midst of so much danger.

once a month.

And then there are days, those inexplicable days

when all of a sudden, like a smoldering heat,

the waves of your confidence dissipate in defeat.

You hobble around, searching for ground,

searching for remnants of yesterday's sounds.

Lost in a haze that won't go away,

it's a terrible rut that consumes your whole day.

It feels permanent and dreadfully deserved,

but a trace of memory reminds you it's absurd.

This faint wafting gloom foreshadows a monstrous odor.

Feeding it, feeling it, and revving it's motor.

Cause and effect play little to none,

this paralyzing sting makes it harder to run.

Alas the night sifts in a more coherent view,

something's undone and something's made new.

The mind is alert, reconditioned with a beat,

despite the exhaustion it proceeds to repeat.

3 days

I wish you would write back to me faster.

3 days just seems too long,

and I have so much to say.

Today I thought about a million things. The day was beautiful and I stayed inside for a third of the day reading and basking in the sun. I listened to all of the "stories" you recommended and I especially liked the one about the girl with self-help issues, and how she described her self-help addicted ex-lover as "tall, skinny, and had shiny hair". haha. The other one's weren't as funny, but interesting all the same.

Muscle tees at the gym look simply ridiculous. like wearing a t-shrit for tots, sorta defeats the purpose of looking "manly".

I got really jealous after reading this really juicy novel. I want to write the stuff of ingeniousness. it must be right if it feels so good. Something that draws you in so powerfully can't simply mean just "a hobby", it feels more like a "perfect fit". You get so excited and overly involved in this so-called fiction, it takes all of your senses and begins to summate all kinds of wonderful sensations. It's better than food, exercise, and watching movies! It's amazing! People only rarely fall in love with a career path, for some it may be architecture (which I find astoundingly credible as well), or cooking, or teaching, etc. For me, I believe it's writing, but I guess we shall see after my summer at boston.

because I want to be worth it

she waits it out,

but nothing comes,

she starts to doubt,

hoping he'll come around,

hoping she'll be the one

to muster his courage,

and be worth the plunge.

when every thought has been weighed and measured,

closely examined and mindfully tethered,

the sweat beads on the edges of concentration,

lost in some kind of agonizing contemplation.

It is here where decisions must stand firm,

where faith and future bend at a single turn,

knees are weak, and chest is heavy

slowly breathing just to keep steady

sorting out the smallest detail,

convincing or proving every derail

sinking into something much stronger,

but holding on to hope a while longer

the war is first fought from inside the mind,

translating later to the physical kind,

holding and praying for a strength to fight,

to be touched by power and guided by light.

careful climbing.

"Your grandfather always had a natural kind hospitality about him. He would make sure my family got enough heat in the house during winter, and sacrifice his burning coals to accommodate us. After 2 months of knowing him I was crazy about him." -grandmother.

Watching the roads ahead of my hands, as the wheel is being navigated, the streets become illuminated by the juxtaposition of water and twilight as it casts a shimmery illusion of translucent lights beaming below the surface. Rain. Logic and reason tell me that the ground is solid, but sheer vision elicits a more imaginative gesture. The moment sweeps me away and I submit to unreality, to the captivating notion that all the cars glide above some transparent surface making everything clear and colorful.

I've come again, full circle, to the place of isolation. Caution glued to my palms, unwilling to be thrown to the wind, weighing my hands down to the ground rendering me on all fours. History repeats itself and a redundant melancholy atmosphere compresses against my shaky palpating organ. Hands clutch an invisible aching hoping to barricade the foreign commotion that seemed to have caused a change in pace for my shaky palpating organ. Perhaps it may have been beneficial to let down the walls of protection and establishment, but it feels only natural to keep outside intruders on the outside of my shaky palpating organ. What feels like never is really what is waiting patiently, meticulously for a true and irrepressible reaching touch upon my shaky palpating organ. Nothing seems to big or small of an intrusion, but everything is cautiously scrutinized and placed in distant regions from my shaky palpating organ. Why then does it seem to cry out for those foreign interferences? An ironic reaction for something so deliberately construed and rejected by my shaky palpating organ. My thoughts waylay the determination behind my actions as the air escapes my grasp, leaving me with a mountain of complexities to climb and conquer with little source of lung capacity. I saunter forward, one arduous step in front of another, making sure I ramify the heaps I step over as I go along. Will power and motivation take form in my hope, the hope that is as bleak as an ember, but persistently existing under all circumstances. Here is my path, and my strength has yet to keep to me down.

Excerpt: "untitled"

The windows were breathing hazy circles as she saw tiny drops of perspiration trailing down her fingertips. She was unaware of whether they emanated from her own pulsating anxieties or if the weather outside was simply culminating between the glass and her trembling hand. She stood there staring out through the murky aperture and into the present state of her once serene environment. The scent of carnage festered in her nose. Vivid flashbacks of what she only got glimpses of going on behind the walls of the penitentiary played, like an unwanted soundtrack in her mind, unrelenting, loud, and difficult to shut out. These were to be the demons of her past, she thought, the one's that would always come back to haunt her when the potential to forget might ever come about. She felt trapped in her own home, encased like a rat surrounded by the walls of a labyrinth, knowing that the fate of her life would be analyzed and toyed with inexorably from here on out. The fact that her own psyche would play the dominating role of the experimenters and controllers drove her even more mad, so she acquiesced into the dim silence of staring. Eventually, her eyelids grew heavy but her mind remained exhaustingly stimulated. She thought about it again, how it all happened, and traced the seemingly harmless steps she took that accumulated into a disastrous evening.

The state had called for all the young men and women of the Astute Association to come forth with information regarding the Regality Act, established after the 23rd Civil War of the state of Calgren, during the regression year.

Her eyes were completely shut while her body lay limp on the floor, the only visible movements occurring in every inhale and exhale dragged from her otherwise immobile limbs.

---

It was an alarmingly stunning Monday afternoon as Marson took to the windy roads on her way down to the Academy. It had been a repetitive month of constant rain and thunderstorms that she had awoke that morning, disoriented with curiosity, at the sudden shift of scenery. Not a single cloud hovered above her home, nor were there any traces of fallen rain, save for the impeccable transparency of the atmosphere that only ever occurred after a cleanse of Nature's finest precipitation. So instead of taking her Magnum-Carrier 850z, which would have taken her 9 minutes to reach her destination, she opted for a two hour scenic stroll instead, seeing as she had, as usual, left excessively early. At 20 years old she was the very first and youngest female graduate to pass the ever pedantic criterion of the state of Calgren, and receive full membership into the enigmatic league known as the Astute Association. A community of rather peculiar characters from various backgrounds who shared a vital aptitude for dynamic penetrations into the human mind. Known for their degenerative social skills, since they never could hold a conversation that lasted less than 8 hours, the outside world preferred not to deal with their aberrant approaches to communication and left them in charge of all the tedious and abstract evaluations called for by the Justice Council. They were not an openly envied community of intellectuals, but their gift was neither denied as well, and they became known as "qualifiers" who basically made up the bulk of logic and reason behind illogical and unreasonable cases.

"Marson Mayfield, A.A. qualifier number 11, please give your account of the Regality Act in it's entirety according to your assessments, under the full knowledge of the penalty for any withdrawn observations, implications, and or inclinations you may have produced during the trial research period."

There was nothing she felt too apprehensive about while recounting what she had observed during the regression period. It was a matter of meticulously organizing the thoughts that followed each finding that mattered most, in her case, as she was now an official Qualifier. The evolutionary job of being trusted, and used as an authority above the traditional adjudicator, for one's acutely exceptional instincts as part of a collective embodiment known as the Astute Association. Since the formation of the A.A. nothing that had not been, in majority, agreed upon by A.A. delegates had come to pass regarding all matters, both small and large in the state of Calgren. However, no decision was ever incorrect, until today.

-------

-------

After reaching the Academy of Astuticians, Marson wiped the dust off her shoes and skirt and wiped the specks of perspiration that had collected daintily on her nose and around the edges of her forehead. She felt as if she were glowing, heart beating, breath slightly exaggerated, and ready to take on another 18 hours of intrinsic thought training. Since before today the rain had not let up, she hadn't got much outdoor physical activity. Although the facility had a fully equipped training wing, prime in stimulating all 851 classified and unclassified muscles and giving a precise illusion of the variety of climates one wished to work out in, Marson always found a special indulgence in activities that were not required by the state or by anyone else for that matter, but herself. She particularly loved to run outside, and not inside of an outside. As she collected herself outside the building she took another few moments to appreciate her surroundings.

"Marcy!", a bright faced young man, a few years her senior, called out her name and drew her out of her tranquil trance.

"Hey Clive, you're here early." Clive was the closest peer in age to Marson at the Academy.

"8 glorious minutes early, to be exact. I wanted to catch the new listing with you."

"Oh, I almost forgot it was already the end of the month. I hope it's all class A stuff."

"I don't! I want a convoluted dexterity requiring the highest level of ethical debauchery! I want something even beyond a class X!"

Marson didn't let it show, but she was beginning to think Clive somehow "qualified" under suspicious reports. He seemed far too eager for catastrophe and torment most of the time, but the facade she carried just lit upon an unimpressed girlish countenance.

"I sure hope they kick YOU out before anything like that happens, besides, it's hard enough making judgements on the 3 levels as they are. I'd hate to see how something could get so out of hand as to require a more exhaustive analysis past a class X."

Each listing posted by the board of Justice was categorized under three respective letters depending on the degree of morality and ethical risk at stake; either a class A, which meant that 10 Qualifiers were to come to an agreement to decide the outcome, class B, which required 25 Qualifiers to not only reach an agreement but pass an examination of correlating intrinsic wavelength scans of the limbic lobe before determining the final outcome, and lastly a class C, which included all 52 Qualifiers to complete the processes of a class B listing as well as nominate 1 representative Qualifier to be held solely responsible for any negative side effects on an outcome decided, since most class C listings required an intensive dedication that usually lasted the rest of one's life.

fidelity

I've been unfaithful to you blog.

I'm coming back. just not tonight.

Rain interlude

you're my cup of tea.

lasting impressions...

42 days with Job. Day 11 and 12

It seems to be a pattern for me, skimping out every few days and then crawling back to my "plan" almost scavenging for something insightful or applicable from Job. I don't mean to make it sound like it's torture or anything, but rather that I find my complacency rendering me alarmingly apathetic. and pathetic. Why are we so meager with so much at our disposal? Why do you choose the wrong choices, and why does negligence often overrule our ardor for greatness? It somehow makes no sense to me, and now I'm angry. sigh. I don't mean to be masochistic when I say that I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I do want to do, but it's hard to grasp at what it is I'm doing at all when most of the time I'm doing that which brings me pain. Well actually, if I really think about everything as a whole, I'm not really doing much to allow myself to make the right choices. I'm sort of complaining about the outcome of a game when I never even practiced in preparation for it. Needless to say I've lost my footing, but I'm ready to get back up and try again, and again, and again, even if it takes me 3,000 falls, I'll get back up, cuz where I lack in discipline I make up for in persistence. or so i hope. Let's look at what Job's friend Zophar has to say in response to Job's outcry...

Alright, I don't know why but I feel as though Job's friends are not helping too much. I mean, from a surface observation they seem to be offering a type of rebuking consolation (which is very common in the church) but knowing that Job really didn't do anything wrong in the first place, yet has been tormented beyond what most people could never even imagine to cope with, it all seems futile to hear Job's friends regurgitating the conventional "God is just, and you're a sinner so shut up and repent" talk. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I see the situation. If I were Job I'd be mad too...let's see what he had to say after words like:

(Zophar): "Surely he recognizes deceitful men (is he implying something here??); and when he sees evil, does he not take note?"

Shooot, if I were Job and I heard my friend say that (obviously thick with implications about me being deceitful) I'd probably have steam coming out of my ears...that or I'd just close my eyes and imagine very bad things happening to Zophar. But then again, that's why Job is a much wiser and righteous man that I am, because he only speaks in response...he says:

"But I have a mind as well as you; I am not inferior to you.

Who does not know all these things?"

(Job's talking about all the character traits that Zophar described about God, how God is just and so forth)

"In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind"

(Job acknowledging that God is indeed in control, and COULD if He wanted, take away Job's inflictions...which is why Job is just lamenting over why God would not take his pain away already, but he doesn't know that it is to demonstrate and affirm his true and pure love for God.)

OH man Job. How did you not break down and lose your footing in faith when everything around you was not making sense, your wife, your children dying, your body decaying, and your friends spewing useless remarks!

Lord help me understand the reason behind my lack of vigilance, and the emotions that deter me from making the right decisions. I keep wavering at the slightest illusions, but somewhere deep inside the depths of my heart I know that there is a strength in me to overcome my weaknesses, or even to allow You to take the reigns and cultivate my weaknesses for Your glory. open my heart and draw out wisdom from my lips so that I will no longer be a slave to sin. Help me to keep firm like Job, even when I am inflicted with all kinds of anguish. Lead me to You. My life is but a breath on earth, lest I cling on to you and redeem eternity.

42 days with Job. Day 10

well hello cyber space,

yes, well, let's get the obvious out of the way. I've been negligent of my blogs and one of my most important new years' resolutions, but it's great to rely on the ever truthful fact that we are indeed human. And "human" by definition is all those imperfect adjectives that make up a structure of potential and of poverty. So, here I am, weeks out of service, back to pick up where I had left off. I find the will to "go on" more imperative, despite numerous failings and obstacles, because what is strength and growth if not the very core of persevering through the storms? Speaking of storms, we left poor Job hanging with his scabby scars and cracked worm-infested skin. Let's return and gain some perspective.

This chapter (ch. 10) basically continues with Job crying out in agony to God about the confusion for his state of despair. He questions God, the Creator who made him from the dust and put together his bones and flesh, about the meaning of his life. Yet, somehow he holds onto the fact that he is so beneath the ranks of questioning God's reasoning, he returns to the outlet of just wishing for death to come soon. Strange, however, that he does not contemplate suicide? Very interesting that such a man, in such conditions, would still be sane and spiritually minded enough to know that God is the only one who has the rightful power to give life, and to take it away. Job, therefore, continues to poor out his lamentations on the matter, voicing his pain out loud, but still recognizing the reverence due to God. Amazing. Talk about true character. I mean, even if he was not a christian, and was simply a servant speaking to a King, this would show such strong will and heart in any man. (or woman).

42 days with Job. Day 8 and 9.

Okay, so I keep missing a day here and there, and that's why I end up combining two days, but hopefully I never end up combining three. It's tough, sometimes I feel like I physically just do not want to read the bible. As if it will cause me actual tangible pain. I know that sounds bad, and it is a very bad mentality to have, so what better way to kill it then by fighting it off in the beginning stages. So here we go.

Bildad vs. Job

...wow I just took a 30 min facebook detour. -_- a.d.d. much?

So Bildad is basically calling Job a retard and saying that he's full of hot air. He's saying the right stuff, just NOT at the right time or to the right guy in this case. What I mean by that is he's trying to instruct Job on what to do in order to make God cure him, but in Job's case God is not doing the harm, satan is. Job retaliates by saying that in his present circumstance there is really no way for him to come before God and justify his case for his iniquities to be removed. For all Job knows he could have sinned, banged his head and then forgot about the fact that he sinned....just goes to show just how much wisdom Job really had. I mean, the guy goes beyond what he sees and feels and tries to scope out the view from God's perspective. That is pretty grown up stuff, if you ask me.

"Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only plead with my Judge for mercy."

Job, teach me your understanding!!! This is so ridiculously insightful. Basically Job is mapping out where we stand in the universe as human beings. Logic and reasoning may seem awry, but in retrospect we are but dusts of the earth made and formed by God's hands and breath. There is no fair and unfair for two beings of an entirely different nature. The nature of God and the nature of humans is like comparing the brain and whistling. One is complex beyond understanding and the other is an enjoyable pastime. I mean, does that make sense? Who am I to God? I'm the high pitched blowing sound of someone's lips trying to converse with an ingenious force of something that created EVERYTHING. I can't breathe.

okay. Back to Job. In chapter 9 Job gets really real. He starts talking about how there is just no way he could come before God in any such manner as to tell God or ask Him to do anything. Job is the man or what?! BUT he also starts talking about how...it's not cuz he's this "holier than thou" gangsta, but it's because in his eyes that is the way things are. Does that make sense? This is a very clear distinction. The way Job sees things is very clear compared to the way christians today see things, and by see things I mean see God. Job understands where he stands in relation to God, which is why he is so righteous and fearful of God. Job says:

"If only there were someone to arbitrate between us, to lay his hand upon us both, someone to remove God's rod from me, so that his terror would frighten me no more."

"Then I would speak up without fear of him, but as it now stands with me, I cannot."

Job feared God. Christians today don't fear God, and if they do they sure don't act like it. Take me for example. I don't live everyday in awe of God and in prayer and meditation of His word. I live most of my days doing mindless busy-body type activities...this is getting depressing. I think today is a bit hard for me to express my thoughts on blog, esp with Job smacking me upside the face telling me that I have no clue how clueless I really am.

Or maybe I'm just trying to finish this up quickly because I'm lazy. I can't even decipher between the two feelings in me. Lord save me.

42 days with Job. Day 6 and 7.

"Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?"

ain't that sound familiar.

Just to get a brief mental picture of Job's physical state:

verse 5 of ch. 7- "My body is clothed with worms and scabs, my skin is broken and festering."

....festering!!

"What is man that you make so much of him,

that you give him so much attention,

that you examine him every morning and test him every moment?"

"Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath;

my eyes will never see happiness again."

So where to begin. First of all, Job....I think I speak for everyone and NO ONE at the same time when I say "I FEEL YOUR PAIN". Of course I mean everyone, because we all think we go through hell in life, whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually and the words he expresses don't seem that far off from how we often feel during those times of frustration or tribulation, but I also say NO ONE since what Job experienced, I'm sure, makes anyone else's pain look like something on Sesame street. FESTERING worms lived in his cracked skin...and not only that but one verse describes how he couldn't even sleep or lie down because nightmares and haunting visions would scare the crap out of him so much so that he preferred strangling and death! I mean, not to mention the guy already lost all his kids and every animal he owned (which in the present day would be like houses, cars, land, stock, money, etc) the guy was a world class wreck! I was wondering about the verse where he says: "what is man that you make so much of him...." and was thinking how it was strange that it was not God that was inflicting all of this on Job, but rather Satan was doing all the work, while God merely ALLOWED it to happen (meaning he took his protection off...which he also had given freely out of love)...and Job kind of automatically thinks that it's God who is doing all of this to him. Reminds me of when people say things like :"well God has a reason" when something bad happens to someone...but who knows, maybe God isn't doing anything, and maybe it's time you got down on your knees and repented and asked for God's protection over you once more. I mean that may not always be the case, because God does discipline his "sons" (see Proverbs) in order to purge them of their bad habits, but I think there is a fine distinction between being disciplined and just being down right destroyed.

I'm not making fun of Job at all, but when I read the verse about him being just a breath and never seeing happiness again (see above) I instantly thought of myself in times of distress where days later I think : "geez, I was such a little diva!" There have been times where I felt like I was too fat or too ugly or too dumb to ever be happy again, and I let deceptive thoughts seep into my mind and kept opening more vacancy for those thoughts to ....well...fester there and multiply to the point where I lost myself in them and began to hate myself. Thank God I have such great friends and family that I was able to always get slapped or socked in the face as a reminder of how I let stupidity get too far, because in retrospect I am beautiful, and although it wouldn't hurt to lose 10-20 lbs, my body is active and healthy, and shooot, I'm going to grad school next year as a physiology specialist! I wouldn't exactly call that dumb, and I'm not saying this to brag or anything, because in all honesty I slacked off throughout college while all my other friends and cousins were finishing up their undergrads in 3 years I took a year off here and a semester off there, which landed me way behind in the graduating department. However, I don't regret anything I've done, but the main point is that when I took a look back at myself and my life....I found out, and hopefully you'll agree with me (esp if you know me haha) but if you don't that's fine and quite honestly I don't really much care either way, but I found that I am pretty enough to love someone and love myself, I love running and playing sports, and I love reading and researching and going to school. Okay, now I feel like I've gone off tangent, so let me try and steer us back to relevant territory with Job. So here Job is living in the "now" of his situation where everything has and is continuing to fall apart both mentally and physically, and he already blurts out that his life is useless and he'll never be happy again. I'm not arguing with the guy, I'm sure if I were him I'd feel the same way...BUT, like in my previously explained example that took us a little off track, I thought that that was it. I was always going to be me (ugly and fat and dumb) and that there would be nothing I could do about it. However, that was then, and here I am today. beautiful (if i so dare say haha), smart, and fit. And so just like that, Job is human like the rest of us selfish greedy little creatures. He despairs and he gets depressed...but the story doesn't end at chapter 7. That's for sure.

Before I end let me briefly...err..that word may be ambiguous, talk about how Job felt about his friends who spoke out. He describes them as dry rivers, basically he's saying that they are like rivers that look good and refreshing for traveler's in the desert who reach them only be to disappointed when they finally arrive at them and they are all dried up. I feel like he's saying that they are not really truly sympathizing with his pain, and that they are just all talk and no real help. They sort of place this blame on Job and tell him to seek God, but Job is just out of his mind going crazy because he has yet to curse God, and yet his friends are saying that he should appeal to God. They're also saying that he should just accept his sin and know that God is a just God (this was seen in chapters 4-5) Now i'm guessing that Job is kind of like "you people are crazy, just what in the world do you think I'm doing now if not keeping my reverence for God....if you want to be useful then start picking out my worms!!" It's like kicking a person when they are already down. Now, from my perspective it doesn't seem like Job's friend (the one who spoke in ch. 4-5) has any sort of evil intention or bad character, so I feel bad for the him, but I also can understand Job's anger given his situation and all. So is there a right and wrong person here? We'll see...

42 days with Job. Day 5.

"Blessed is the man whom God corrects;

so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty."

"For He wounds, but he also binds up;

he injures, but His hands also heal."

So yesterday I was in quite a foul mood, and after having gone over what I wrote about ch. 3 and 4 I may have been a bit harsh on Job's buddies. Chapter 5 is a continuation of what Job's friend is saying, and I found it somewhat interesting that I was still a bit skeptical on what the friends' true intentions were (whether he was trying to make himself sound godly or whether he was truly speaking from a heart of concern and love) and it got me thinking. I realized that most of what this friend says are true, and I find that they are things I might even say to offer as words of encouragement, BUT had I been on the listening end (Job's shoes) I want to think that I would be more receptive than skeptical. This observation of mine has sort of shed some light on something insightful about my character development...bottom line I need to stop worrying about whether people are genuine or not and just take wisdom for what it is...wisdom. Even if this friend was speaking from a shallow motive, what he says is still very powerful and foundational stuff. He talks about how God performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, and miracles that cannot be counted. How God bestows even rain on the earth and sends water to the countryside. All of these things show a Creator God who is basically in control of any and every situation, so in relation to Job, the friend is saying that although Job is suffering now, God is in control and can renew Job's situation if he appeals to God. However, I'm a little set off since you would think Job, being a righteous man of God and all, would have already appealed to God like no other man has ever appealed to God before! Which is what I believe led me to believe that this friend is just talking for the sake of talking, shooting blanks. I guess it depends on your type of personality. Some people just can't stand the silence. Me, on the other hand, I have an affinity toward silent encounters. I would much rather hear a few minutes of something meaningful, rather than hours and hours of something I don't care about or that makes no sense....like boy drama.

There isn't much more I can comment on ch. 5, being that it is mainly an extension of ch. 4, but I will say this. The words can seem encouraging enough, but given Job's current situation I would have preferred a more brief summary of what has already been known, but that's just me.

I guess the lesson from this chapter can be to encourage wisely, and to be conscious of what sort of pain the other person is really experiencing, and to speak from the heart instead of from the A.D.D. of wanting to fill in the awkward silence.

42 days with Job. Day 3 and 4.

So I missed a day yesterday, but I honestly wouldn't have been able to find a decent amount of time to really delve into chapter 3, unless I didn't get any sleep at all. The past few weeks have been...exhausting, to say the least. I have been up in the mountains, getting sick, then back down and back up to the mountains, cold weather in shorts, terrible post holiday effects, and lack of adequate sleep, among other things. Perhaps what I've just described may sound trivial, but for some reason it was a really rough time for me, both spiritually and physically. It seems only right that I most definitely continue following Job's progress since it appears more applicable to my current state of mind.

Satan says: "However, put forth Thy hand, now, and touch his bone and his flesh; he will curse Thee to Thy face." (Job 2:5 NKJ version)

So for this section I've decided to combine chapters 3 and 4 in essence of having skipped a day I think perhaps these two chapters would go well together for comprehensive purposes.

Let's see...

"Why is light given to him who suffers, and Life to the bitter of souls;

..."

"Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden..."

Here, from Ch. 3, we read how Job basically curses the day he was born. He speaks of that day as if it were some sort of holiday to be shunned instead of celebrated. He mars the existence of his birth day to be cursed and consumed by darkness. Sounds pretty intense. It's like those people who really hate christmas. I have a friend who hates christmas with a passion, she hates christmas songs and hates seeing all the festive ads and lights in the public everywhere. To the general population it may look like this person is disturbed to not like such a "happy" day, but to her it brings pain and guilt and shame, and she'd rather not have anything to do with the day since it seems to represent something she can't deal with thinking about; Jesus. I don't blame her, because being a christian and knowing what one should and shouldn't do generally leaves ones feeling very guilty and ashamed since we all fall short of God's glory and sin everyday whether through our actions or our thoughts. However, my friend is deceived into thinking that God is not merciful and that he withholds His grace and forgiveness. It is a simple mistake of ignorance that she is led to dislike Christmas...because seriously how could anyone not like Christmas? It's about being with people you love, and if you don't have anyone you love, that's a problem right there. You should be seeking out help, because we are created beings who were meant to mingle and love and have fellowship with others. Christmas also is a day of feasting and giving. Now who doesn't like good food and presents? Please, leave me a comment if you truly hate good food and presents...and I will pray for you.

Similarly Job sort of shuns the day of his birth due to his current physical state. (Remember Satan put boils and sores all over his body from the soles of his feet to the top of his head, and Job is in so much pain that he is scraping himself with a jagged piece of pottery) So Job pretty much is saying he wishes he were never born. He's hating the day he was pulled out of his mother's womb, just like my friend hates the day of Christmas. Job goes into all sorts of crazy details (leave it to someone in agonizing pain to recall the different ways one can basically destroy something) He starts talking about darkness and gloom taking that day, and the night being barren, and then forbids any joyful sound entering it. I mean, he's taking emo to the max, and I don't blame him! The guy is sitting on the ground with gaping flesh wounds covering his body for NO REASON (that he's aware of). Ring any bells? Perfect for me today. Nothing particularly bad happened to me this past week, (in fact I had a really good time at the mountains and at all the parties I went to) but today it just hit me like sledge hammer, that I couldn't help but curse the weeks prior for leading up to such a day as this. I felt fat and incompetent, lazy and unorganized, unprepared and mean. I felt like everyone was stretching me so thin that I no longer knew who was who and where I was. I still don't really have a reason for being in the foul state of mind that I am today, but after re-directing my focus a little (thanks to Job) I'm able to gather a bit of my senses and realize that sometimes bad things happen and we have no idea why, but the bottom line is that we are not God. Who knows, perhaps God has found something very unique about one of us and is bragging about us to Satan, and that's why Satan has been trying to squash our credit in front of God ... after all it is Satan's goal to show -up God in any way possible. So I guess letting the worst of things get the best of me is exactly what I shouldn't do if I'm to properly represent the Almighty Creator, especially if He finds me something useful in or about me. So i'll continue scraping the flesh off my skin with my jagged knife, and never letting a word of deceit leave my lips, like blaming God for any of it.

Ch. 4.

"Is not your fear of God your confidence,

and the integrity of your ways your hope?...

He puts no trust even in His servants;

And against His angels He charges error.

How much more those who dwell in houses of clay."

Job's friend finally speaks up after a long week of silence, and although the words bear truth, they don't bear much wisdom in consoling Job. I don't know, call me crazy but I think it would have been best if his friends were just silent and simply THERE instead of yapping about how Job should realize he probably did something wrong and was getting justly punished for it. Since that was NOT THE CASE, you can imagine how P-O'd Job must've been the moment his friend finished telling him off with the "holier than thou" speech (as Job is oozing a puddle of blood and flesh, half self-inflicted) The man is clearly not accusing God, however he also knows in his heart that he did nothing to deserve this (which is more than I can say for myself, but I'm sure that's preaching to the choir) and then all of a sudden his friends sit there pointing fingers and laying an unknown cause for the effect. If there's one thing I can't stand about a person's character it's the inclination to jump to conclusions. Someone who knows nothing yet starts spewing comments here and there with no evidence, and just makes your mood more worse because you hate being in the same room sharing the same air with someone who is so transparently clueless. Perhaps this chapter caught me on my off day, since I'm not feeling particularly charitable, but had I been Job I would have starting threatening the guy with my broken pottery piece to get the flip out of my sight. Definitely not to be called back for a reunion any time soon too. Granted the guy did say a "vision" in the night appeared before him supporting the speech he gave, but that's no reason to assume so much in such a delicate situation. Times of trial and suffering need to be handled with the utmost care and precision to avoid misunderstanding and more pain.

Word to the people who are suffering or feeling absolutely clueless as to why God might put them in the sh*tty situations they are in, seek out your friends wisely... a word spoken wisely can soothe over an open sore, but a word less substantial can further rip your wounds...and we all know which friends are more likely to be the latter and the former.

I don't have enough time to go into more detail or exploration as I would like to, but those were some of the main ideas that came to mind after a brief overview of chapters 3 and 4.

Au Revoir for the night!

42 days with Job. Day 2.

"Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes."

So after having destroyed his family and possessions, Satan comes before God again and tells him that if God were to allow him to harm Job's flesh then Job would surely curse God. You know those annoying friends who can never admit they are wrong, even after they have been proven wrong they go out of their way to find some other excuse that might justify their mistake, and it's so irritating because they act as if what they thought (that was proven wrong) earlier was SOMEONE ELSE'S mistake....as if the world SHIFTED on them and it was totally unexpected...because you know, how could they have ever been wrong (spoken thick with sarcasm)? Well, this is just that. Satan is the annoying guy who makes this big claim that Job only loves God because God blesses him with "stuff" (ie: big family, thousands of livestock, etc), so God is like "alright, take it all away, because I know Job's and My relationship goes deeper than that." So Satan kills off his children and servants and takes all his wealth, yet Job remains pure and praises God knowing full well that everything was God's to begin with anyway. Then Satan acts as if the world suddenly shifted and comes before God saying that if God were to harm Job's flesh, basically inflict excruciating pain on Job's body, then Job would definitely curse God. Now look closely, and notice how Satan never said or admitted that he was wrong about the first accusation, he just moves on to another one and acts like the first one went wrong due to a misunderstanding. OWN UP TO YOUR MISTAKES. Satan is that annoying friend who plays the ignorant fool who won't admit it when he's wrong, but God doesn't point it out or say anything (cuz God is so chill and cool like that) he just let's Satan do what he wants on Job again (except take his life) cuz once again God is confident in the bond He has with Job...that their love for each other goes beyond thick and thin, whether good or bad times. Satan thinks that if he can cause enough personal pain on Job that Job would get all angry and go insane and curse God...this is actually somewhat logical thinking, but in a worldly perspective. The reason I say this is because of the amount of pain that was inflicted on Job. This was not "cuts and bruises" type deal. This was sores erupting from the soles of his feet to the top of Job's head, so painful that Job took a piece of broken pottery and just started scraping himself to try and numb the horrific pain with the shock of inflicting another pain manually on himself. It's kind of like this, imagine getting a paper cut. It hurts and it's a nasty little slice, especially if you get it between your fingers so that every time you abduct them (spread your fingers) it opens the cut up and sometimes rips the edges wider. However imagine getting a piece of paper and giving yourself a paper cut between your fingers. It's more frightening because you know what's coming, but it's still going be the same level of pain, but because you're self inflicting it on yourself the shock value of doing it intensifies that feeling of pain. So Job has these sores all over his body, he probably can't even stand up since they are on the bottom of his feet, so he grabs a jagged piece of broken pottery (he probably cried out in agony and grabbed the first thing in sight, a potted plant, and tossed it on the ground...men tend to turn to violence in times of trouble, and Job is still a man) and he sees this opportunity to perhaps lessen the pain on his body by adding a 'shock' pain of self inflicted gashes. He scraped away at his skin, over the sores, which I imagine are itchy beyond annoyance, and just sits on the ground scraping and scraping.

Then his wife, his poor wife who loves him, and who already bore the tragic news of all her children dying, sees this and, sadly, being the emotional retard of a woman gets all unstable and tells him to just go insane with her and drop his integrity to curse God and die. Now, I don't know if this rings a bell with anyone else, but it sure reminds me of a certain other female who gave into deception...ahem...Eve. Eve, however, wasn't afflicted by a sorrow of hearing her children die and then seeing her husband scraping himself with a broken piece of pottery, she just let vanity take over when Satan deceived her by saying that if she ate the apple then her eyes would be open. And what better way to see yourself with your eyes open? She couldn't settle for her naked (and probably perfectly hot) husband or with her own (probably perfectly hot) body so she eats the apple and ends up covering what was meant to be beautiful and shameless. Job's wife is probably bawling and screaming at Job, and most definitely getting angry at God, and she tells Job that he should just end his misery, but before he does that he should curse God because it's God's fault that Job is in pain...and her mindset is "How can God be so cruel as to inflict such enormous pain on Job, how DARE He!" So she reverts to the exact sort of mentality Satan is trying to exploit in Job, that mankind is really selfish and stupid and will play the role of master (giving God the role of servant) when it so conveniences them. However, Job stays strong and firm in his integrity and calls his wife's thinking like that of a "foolish woman", rightly so, since it is indeed the most foolish thing to think that man could ever be God and God ever be our servant and he says: "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" and it goes on to say "In all this, Job did not sin in what he said."

Job remained sane, even when his wife who wasn't even getting sores was yelling and screaming and crying for Job to curse God and die. A clear example of right and wrong thinking. From a calm and collected perspective we know that it is moot point to curse God in a situation such as Job's because what good would that do, to wave an angry fist at God, to perhaps make God feel bad? How many times do we revert to this sort of thinking when bad stuff happens to us or even to people we love. We get all emotional and somehow get deceived into thinking that by waving an angry fist at God we will feel better or maybe make God feel worse, but then again that would be making God out to be our servant since we would be trying to make him do something we wanted him to do. And plus, we all know that blaming God (or other people for that matter) never does a darn thing but arouse more anger and emotional instability. What's done is done, and pin pointing the problem on someone else won't make the pain go away, especially if you pin point the wrong guy. Yet Job never says anything to curse God or sin, he just sits there scraping himself, knowing full well that God is God and that he can bring good (in Job's case it was a lot of good since God blessed Job with tons of sons and 3 beautiful daughters as well as billions of dollars--it says Job was the greatest man among all the people), so that if trouble came, even if it was from God (which it wasn't, since Satan was the one who was trying to prove, once again, that Job's love for God was shallow) Job would not blame God since God is God and Job the servant. Meaning no matter what the master did to the servant, the servant was to obey and keep serving, since that is the role of master and servant. I'm not talking about the master-servant relationship of those back in the civil war days when a white man beat his black servant and it was considered wrong, because it was. White men were never meant to play the role of master to any other race, they just assumed that position and it eventually became rightly abolished, though what took so long shows the stupidity and arrogance of mankind, however I'm talking about the actual definition of a master and the definition of a servant. A master is like the owner. A servant is someone who serves the master at whatever cost. So Job, despite his double intensified pain of sores and gashes, somehow manages to stay logical, and even tries to explain to his wife how her thinking has gone awry.

Job's friends also come along after they hear the news of what happened to his children and then to his body, and when they reach Job he is no longer recognizable from all the blood and pus oozing from every inch of his body as he sits there in the ground scraping himself like a crazy person. And then we find out what kind of friend's Job has...