“pay attention to your private conversation, that is, the words you say to yourself that no one else hears.
We are always talking to ourselves about ourselves, life, God, others, meaning and purpose, relationships, trouble, solutions, hope, the past, the future, etc.
Because of this constant internal conversation, we influence ourselves more than anyone else does, because we hear what we have to say more than we hear anyone else.”
-Paul Tripp
What are you hearing yourself think today and let’s ask God to renew our minds. It’s crucial how we think is in line with God’s truth so that our perspective is not simply what we know and see or feel, but WHO we know and see and feel.
Especially when you feel like you’re in hell.
Update:
Noah is doing okay.
To be honest, the day we went into the ER (10/31/22 at 9pm) was the most excruciating experience of my entire life.
I watched Noah scream until all his blood vessels in his face popped as he tried to breathe but couldn’t and he would periodically scrunch his face in pain and turn purple and grey.
The nurse assigned to us at the ER was rough and just not handling him well because she wasn’t used to treating small babies.
As I held him for 3-4 hours straight my arms went numb and I felt so helpless because we were told he needed to be hospitalized but there were no available beds…anywhere in Southern California. In fact, the doctor was trying to find a bed further out because he was planning to fly us out if they had an open bed.
We waited and waited for hours as Noah screamed and suffered …and he hadn’t been able to eat for 9 hours.
His lungs did not sound good.
I was preparing myself to hold him with as much love as I could if he ended up having his last breath crying in my arms. I was a wreck.
I was physically alone because Ben had Covid and couldn’t come inside and the staff left me because they didn’t know what else to do. They didn’t have the right equipment to handle such a small 35 day year old.
It was the worst nightmare come to life, but I knew God was there even if I couldn’t feel Him. I said a short but very sincere prayer under my breath: “Lord, May Noah’s name be written in the book of life so that he has an eternal home with You and if this is our last day together on earth it won’t be our last in heaven. In Jesus name I pray, amen.”
What I was speaking to myself was the truth…that this life is not the end. And the best gift I can give to my children is for them to know God and put their hope in life with Him more than this life.
Then my mom was able to come and I nearly passed out after she took Noah from my arms. And about an hour or so later we got a call to be transferred to the ER in anaheim where at they at least had staff and equipment to care for small babies Noah would be near pediatric nurses (since they have a pediatric ward there).
I rode the ambulance with Noah for 30 minutes and when we got to the ER in anaheim they told us they would try and get Noah a bed in the pediatric ward even though it was full and there were a lot of other kids waiting…but God’s grace! God’s grace! And I write this with tears because what felt like hell for 3 hours straight suddenly became heaven and I knew God was aware of me. It was a traumatic night that no parent would ever want to witness.
We got a room and now we are here and Noah is being treated gently and the staff is amazing.
His face was covered in red dots from all the broken capillaries that came from him crying for so long, his eyes were red and swollen and he looked extremely weak as if he just got into a bossing match, but he is getting the care and rest now that he needed.
I forgot to mention that we almost didn’t even take Noah into the ER. That was God’s grace too! If we had come a few minutes later..Noah might not have made it.
I had called to make an appointment for him because he kept having weird episodes where he would look lethargic and all of a sudden the would turn pale and then gasp for air. My mom, husband and I all saw it happen but we figured he would be okay if he rested. But something made me to do what I normally don’t do and that is to go into the ER in the dead of night.
As soon as we got there Noah was at his worst. His breathing became more and more strained and his episodes of choking were frequent. They had us wait outside for what felt like forever and when the finally put us in a room they had us wait again for another hour or two until I screamed for help and a nurse rushed in saying what was the matter and she looked at Noah and yelled for a doctor.
Even though it was the most terrifying ordeal of my life when I look back I do acknowledge that God was in it too. He never left me alone even though I felt alone until my mom and husband were able to be with me, but for those 3-4 hours with Noah by myself as he screamed and gasped for air I never felt more alone and scared.
I was tired and hadn’t slept since we got there at 9pm and it had suddenly become 5am the next day. At 5:30am they took us by ambulance to the ER that had a pediatric ward in the building, and soon enough a bed opened up for us. It was a miracle and the best relief of my life.
The whole ordeal was very traumatic, and I almost don’t even remember what happened, but I can firmly say that God was with me and at the end of all that suffering I found myself at peace in His control over my life.
That is and always will be the dominating narrative in my head and heart.
And when it’s not I will command my body and mind to make it so.
Jmegrey
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