Excerpt: "untitled"

The windows were breathing hazy circles as she saw tiny drops of perspiration trailing down her fingertips. She was unaware of whether they emanated from her own pulsating anxieties or if the weather outside was simply culminating between the glass and her trembling hand. She stood there staring out through the murky aperture and into the present state of her once serene environment. The scent of carnage festered in her nose. Vivid flashbacks of what she only got glimpses of going on behind the walls of the penitentiary played, like an unwanted soundtrack in her mind, unrelenting, loud, and difficult to shut out. These were to be the demons of her past, she thought, the one's that would always come back to haunt her when the potential to forget might ever come about. She felt trapped in her own home, encased like a rat surrounded by the walls of a labyrinth, knowing that the fate of her life would be analyzed and toyed with inexorably from here on out. The fact that her own psyche would play the dominating role of the experimenters and controllers drove her even more mad, so she acquiesced into the dim silence of staring. Eventually, her eyelids grew heavy but her mind remained exhaustingly stimulated. She thought about it again, how it all happened, and traced the seemingly harmless steps she took that accumulated into a disastrous evening.

The state had called for all the young men and women of the Astute Association to come forth with information regarding the Regality Act, established after the 23rd Civil War of the state of Calgren, during the regression year.

Her eyes were completely shut while her body lay limp on the floor, the only visible movements occurring in every inhale and exhale dragged from her otherwise immobile limbs.

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It was an alarmingly stunning Monday afternoon as Marson took to the windy roads on her way down to the Academy. It had been a repetitive month of constant rain and thunderstorms that she had awoke that morning, disoriented with curiosity, at the sudden shift of scenery. Not a single cloud hovered above her home, nor were there any traces of fallen rain, save for the impeccable transparency of the atmosphere that only ever occurred after a cleanse of Nature's finest precipitation. So instead of taking her Magnum-Carrier 850z, which would have taken her 9 minutes to reach her destination, she opted for a two hour scenic stroll instead, seeing as she had, as usual, left excessively early. At 20 years old she was the very first and youngest female graduate to pass the ever pedantic criterion of the state of Calgren, and receive full membership into the enigmatic league known as the Astute Association. A community of rather peculiar characters from various backgrounds who shared a vital aptitude for dynamic penetrations into the human mind. Known for their degenerative social skills, since they never could hold a conversation that lasted less than 8 hours, the outside world preferred not to deal with their aberrant approaches to communication and left them in charge of all the tedious and abstract evaluations called for by the Justice Council. They were not an openly envied community of intellectuals, but their gift was neither denied as well, and they became known as "qualifiers" who basically made up the bulk of logic and reason behind illogical and unreasonable cases.

"Marson Mayfield, A.A. qualifier number 11, please give your account of the Regality Act in it's entirety according to your assessments, under the full knowledge of the penalty for any withdrawn observations, implications, and or inclinations you may have produced during the trial research period."

There was nothing she felt too apprehensive about while recounting what she had observed during the regression period. It was a matter of meticulously organizing the thoughts that followed each finding that mattered most, in her case, as she was now an official Qualifier. The evolutionary job of being trusted, and used as an authority above the traditional adjudicator, for one's acutely exceptional instincts as part of a collective embodiment known as the Astute Association. Since the formation of the A.A. nothing that had not been, in majority, agreed upon by A.A. delegates had come to pass regarding all matters, both small and large in the state of Calgren. However, no decision was ever incorrect, until today.

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After reaching the Academy of Astuticians, Marson wiped the dust off her shoes and skirt and wiped the specks of perspiration that had collected daintily on her nose and around the edges of her forehead. She felt as if she were glowing, heart beating, breath slightly exaggerated, and ready to take on another 18 hours of intrinsic thought training. Since before today the rain had not let up, she hadn't got much outdoor physical activity. Although the facility had a fully equipped training wing, prime in stimulating all 851 classified and unclassified muscles and giving a precise illusion of the variety of climates one wished to work out in, Marson always found a special indulgence in activities that were not required by the state or by anyone else for that matter, but herself. She particularly loved to run outside, and not inside of an outside. As she collected herself outside the building she took another few moments to appreciate her surroundings.

"Marcy!", a bright faced young man, a few years her senior, called out her name and drew her out of her tranquil trance.

"Hey Clive, you're here early." Clive was the closest peer in age to Marson at the Academy.

"8 glorious minutes early, to be exact. I wanted to catch the new listing with you."

"Oh, I almost forgot it was already the end of the month. I hope it's all class A stuff."

"I don't! I want a convoluted dexterity requiring the highest level of ethical debauchery! I want something even beyond a class X!"

Marson didn't let it show, but she was beginning to think Clive somehow "qualified" under suspicious reports. He seemed far too eager for catastrophe and torment most of the time, but the facade she carried just lit upon an unimpressed girlish countenance.

"I sure hope they kick YOU out before anything like that happens, besides, it's hard enough making judgements on the 3 levels as they are. I'd hate to see how something could get so out of hand as to require a more exhaustive analysis past a class X."

Each listing posted by the board of Justice was categorized under three respective letters depending on the degree of morality and ethical risk at stake; either a class A, which meant that 10 Qualifiers were to come to an agreement to decide the outcome, class B, which required 25 Qualifiers to not only reach an agreement but pass an examination of correlating intrinsic wavelength scans of the limbic lobe before determining the final outcome, and lastly a class C, which included all 52 Qualifiers to complete the processes of a class B listing as well as nominate 1 representative Qualifier to be held solely responsible for any negative side effects on an outcome decided, since most class C listings required an intensive dedication that usually lasted the rest of one's life.

fidelity

I've been unfaithful to you blog.

I'm coming back. just not tonight.

Rain interlude

you're my cup of tea.

lasting impressions...

42 days with Job. Day 11 and 12

It seems to be a pattern for me, skimping out every few days and then crawling back to my "plan" almost scavenging for something insightful or applicable from Job. I don't mean to make it sound like it's torture or anything, but rather that I find my complacency rendering me alarmingly apathetic. and pathetic. Why are we so meager with so much at our disposal? Why do you choose the wrong choices, and why does negligence often overrule our ardor for greatness? It somehow makes no sense to me, and now I'm angry. sigh. I don't mean to be masochistic when I say that I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I do want to do, but it's hard to grasp at what it is I'm doing at all when most of the time I'm doing that which brings me pain. Well actually, if I really think about everything as a whole, I'm not really doing much to allow myself to make the right choices. I'm sort of complaining about the outcome of a game when I never even practiced in preparation for it. Needless to say I've lost my footing, but I'm ready to get back up and try again, and again, and again, even if it takes me 3,000 falls, I'll get back up, cuz where I lack in discipline I make up for in persistence. or so i hope. Let's look at what Job's friend Zophar has to say in response to Job's outcry...

Alright, I don't know why but I feel as though Job's friends are not helping too much. I mean, from a surface observation they seem to be offering a type of rebuking consolation (which is very common in the church) but knowing that Job really didn't do anything wrong in the first place, yet has been tormented beyond what most people could never even imagine to cope with, it all seems futile to hear Job's friends regurgitating the conventional "God is just, and you're a sinner so shut up and repent" talk. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I see the situation. If I were Job I'd be mad too...let's see what he had to say after words like:

(Zophar): "Surely he recognizes deceitful men (is he implying something here??); and when he sees evil, does he not take note?"

Shooot, if I were Job and I heard my friend say that (obviously thick with implications about me being deceitful) I'd probably have steam coming out of my ears...that or I'd just close my eyes and imagine very bad things happening to Zophar. But then again, that's why Job is a much wiser and righteous man that I am, because he only speaks in response...he says:

"But I have a mind as well as you; I am not inferior to you.

Who does not know all these things?"

(Job's talking about all the character traits that Zophar described about God, how God is just and so forth)

"In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind"

(Job acknowledging that God is indeed in control, and COULD if He wanted, take away Job's inflictions...which is why Job is just lamenting over why God would not take his pain away already, but he doesn't know that it is to demonstrate and affirm his true and pure love for God.)

OH man Job. How did you not break down and lose your footing in faith when everything around you was not making sense, your wife, your children dying, your body decaying, and your friends spewing useless remarks!

Lord help me understand the reason behind my lack of vigilance, and the emotions that deter me from making the right decisions. I keep wavering at the slightest illusions, but somewhere deep inside the depths of my heart I know that there is a strength in me to overcome my weaknesses, or even to allow You to take the reigns and cultivate my weaknesses for Your glory. open my heart and draw out wisdom from my lips so that I will no longer be a slave to sin. Help me to keep firm like Job, even when I am inflicted with all kinds of anguish. Lead me to You. My life is but a breath on earth, lest I cling on to you and redeem eternity.

42 days with Job. Day 10

well hello cyber space,

yes, well, let's get the obvious out of the way. I've been negligent of my blogs and one of my most important new years' resolutions, but it's great to rely on the ever truthful fact that we are indeed human. And "human" by definition is all those imperfect adjectives that make up a structure of potential and of poverty. So, here I am, weeks out of service, back to pick up where I had left off. I find the will to "go on" more imperative, despite numerous failings and obstacles, because what is strength and growth if not the very core of persevering through the storms? Speaking of storms, we left poor Job hanging with his scabby scars and cracked worm-infested skin. Let's return and gain some perspective.

This chapter (ch. 10) basically continues with Job crying out in agony to God about the confusion for his state of despair. He questions God, the Creator who made him from the dust and put together his bones and flesh, about the meaning of his life. Yet, somehow he holds onto the fact that he is so beneath the ranks of questioning God's reasoning, he returns to the outlet of just wishing for death to come soon. Strange, however, that he does not contemplate suicide? Very interesting that such a man, in such conditions, would still be sane and spiritually minded enough to know that God is the only one who has the rightful power to give life, and to take it away. Job, therefore, continues to poor out his lamentations on the matter, voicing his pain out loud, but still recognizing the reverence due to God. Amazing. Talk about true character. I mean, even if he was not a christian, and was simply a servant speaking to a King, this would show such strong will and heart in any man. (or woman).

42 days with Job. Day 8 and 9.

Okay, so I keep missing a day here and there, and that's why I end up combining two days, but hopefully I never end up combining three. It's tough, sometimes I feel like I physically just do not want to read the bible. As if it will cause me actual tangible pain. I know that sounds bad, and it is a very bad mentality to have, so what better way to kill it then by fighting it off in the beginning stages. So here we go.

Bildad vs. Job

...wow I just took a 30 min facebook detour. -_- a.d.d. much?

So Bildad is basically calling Job a retard and saying that he's full of hot air. He's saying the right stuff, just NOT at the right time or to the right guy in this case. What I mean by that is he's trying to instruct Job on what to do in order to make God cure him, but in Job's case God is not doing the harm, satan is. Job retaliates by saying that in his present circumstance there is really no way for him to come before God and justify his case for his iniquities to be removed. For all Job knows he could have sinned, banged his head and then forgot about the fact that he sinned....just goes to show just how much wisdom Job really had. I mean, the guy goes beyond what he sees and feels and tries to scope out the view from God's perspective. That is pretty grown up stuff, if you ask me.

"Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only plead with my Judge for mercy."

Job, teach me your understanding!!! This is so ridiculously insightful. Basically Job is mapping out where we stand in the universe as human beings. Logic and reasoning may seem awry, but in retrospect we are but dusts of the earth made and formed by God's hands and breath. There is no fair and unfair for two beings of an entirely different nature. The nature of God and the nature of humans is like comparing the brain and whistling. One is complex beyond understanding and the other is an enjoyable pastime. I mean, does that make sense? Who am I to God? I'm the high pitched blowing sound of someone's lips trying to converse with an ingenious force of something that created EVERYTHING. I can't breathe.

okay. Back to Job. In chapter 9 Job gets really real. He starts talking about how there is just no way he could come before God in any such manner as to tell God or ask Him to do anything. Job is the man or what?! BUT he also starts talking about how...it's not cuz he's this "holier than thou" gangsta, but it's because in his eyes that is the way things are. Does that make sense? This is a very clear distinction. The way Job sees things is very clear compared to the way christians today see things, and by see things I mean see God. Job understands where he stands in relation to God, which is why he is so righteous and fearful of God. Job says:

"If only there were someone to arbitrate between us, to lay his hand upon us both, someone to remove God's rod from me, so that his terror would frighten me no more."

"Then I would speak up without fear of him, but as it now stands with me, I cannot."

Job feared God. Christians today don't fear God, and if they do they sure don't act like it. Take me for example. I don't live everyday in awe of God and in prayer and meditation of His word. I live most of my days doing mindless busy-body type activities...this is getting depressing. I think today is a bit hard for me to express my thoughts on blog, esp with Job smacking me upside the face telling me that I have no clue how clueless I really am.

Or maybe I'm just trying to finish this up quickly because I'm lazy. I can't even decipher between the two feelings in me. Lord save me.

42 days with Job. Day 6 and 7.

"Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?"

ain't that sound familiar.

Just to get a brief mental picture of Job's physical state:

verse 5 of ch. 7- "My body is clothed with worms and scabs, my skin is broken and festering."

....festering!!

"What is man that you make so much of him,

that you give him so much attention,

that you examine him every morning and test him every moment?"

"Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath;

my eyes will never see happiness again."

So where to begin. First of all, Job....I think I speak for everyone and NO ONE at the same time when I say "I FEEL YOUR PAIN". Of course I mean everyone, because we all think we go through hell in life, whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually and the words he expresses don't seem that far off from how we often feel during those times of frustration or tribulation, but I also say NO ONE since what Job experienced, I'm sure, makes anyone else's pain look like something on Sesame street. FESTERING worms lived in his cracked skin...and not only that but one verse describes how he couldn't even sleep or lie down because nightmares and haunting visions would scare the crap out of him so much so that he preferred strangling and death! I mean, not to mention the guy already lost all his kids and every animal he owned (which in the present day would be like houses, cars, land, stock, money, etc) the guy was a world class wreck! I was wondering about the verse where he says: "what is man that you make so much of him...." and was thinking how it was strange that it was not God that was inflicting all of this on Job, but rather Satan was doing all the work, while God merely ALLOWED it to happen (meaning he took his protection off...which he also had given freely out of love)...and Job kind of automatically thinks that it's God who is doing all of this to him. Reminds me of when people say things like :"well God has a reason" when something bad happens to someone...but who knows, maybe God isn't doing anything, and maybe it's time you got down on your knees and repented and asked for God's protection over you once more. I mean that may not always be the case, because God does discipline his "sons" (see Proverbs) in order to purge them of their bad habits, but I think there is a fine distinction between being disciplined and just being down right destroyed.

I'm not making fun of Job at all, but when I read the verse about him being just a breath and never seeing happiness again (see above) I instantly thought of myself in times of distress where days later I think : "geez, I was such a little diva!" There have been times where I felt like I was too fat or too ugly or too dumb to ever be happy again, and I let deceptive thoughts seep into my mind and kept opening more vacancy for those thoughts to ....well...fester there and multiply to the point where I lost myself in them and began to hate myself. Thank God I have such great friends and family that I was able to always get slapped or socked in the face as a reminder of how I let stupidity get too far, because in retrospect I am beautiful, and although it wouldn't hurt to lose 10-20 lbs, my body is active and healthy, and shooot, I'm going to grad school next year as a physiology specialist! I wouldn't exactly call that dumb, and I'm not saying this to brag or anything, because in all honesty I slacked off throughout college while all my other friends and cousins were finishing up their undergrads in 3 years I took a year off here and a semester off there, which landed me way behind in the graduating department. However, I don't regret anything I've done, but the main point is that when I took a look back at myself and my life....I found out, and hopefully you'll agree with me (esp if you know me haha) but if you don't that's fine and quite honestly I don't really much care either way, but I found that I am pretty enough to love someone and love myself, I love running and playing sports, and I love reading and researching and going to school. Okay, now I feel like I've gone off tangent, so let me try and steer us back to relevant territory with Job. So here Job is living in the "now" of his situation where everything has and is continuing to fall apart both mentally and physically, and he already blurts out that his life is useless and he'll never be happy again. I'm not arguing with the guy, I'm sure if I were him I'd feel the same way...BUT, like in my previously explained example that took us a little off track, I thought that that was it. I was always going to be me (ugly and fat and dumb) and that there would be nothing I could do about it. However, that was then, and here I am today. beautiful (if i so dare say haha), smart, and fit. And so just like that, Job is human like the rest of us selfish greedy little creatures. He despairs and he gets depressed...but the story doesn't end at chapter 7. That's for sure.

Before I end let me briefly...err..that word may be ambiguous, talk about how Job felt about his friends who spoke out. He describes them as dry rivers, basically he's saying that they are like rivers that look good and refreshing for traveler's in the desert who reach them only be to disappointed when they finally arrive at them and they are all dried up. I feel like he's saying that they are not really truly sympathizing with his pain, and that they are just all talk and no real help. They sort of place this blame on Job and tell him to seek God, but Job is just out of his mind going crazy because he has yet to curse God, and yet his friends are saying that he should appeal to God. They're also saying that he should just accept his sin and know that God is a just God (this was seen in chapters 4-5) Now i'm guessing that Job is kind of like "you people are crazy, just what in the world do you think I'm doing now if not keeping my reverence for God....if you want to be useful then start picking out my worms!!" It's like kicking a person when they are already down. Now, from my perspective it doesn't seem like Job's friend (the one who spoke in ch. 4-5) has any sort of evil intention or bad character, so I feel bad for the him, but I also can understand Job's anger given his situation and all. So is there a right and wrong person here? We'll see...