Be still when Instagram calls!

Hey family, 

I’ve been in a transition mode since we moved out of our apt and into my parents room until our condo’s construction work is done...and in this time I’ve been trying to “be still.”  I go through some hours feeling guilty that my husband wakes up at 5am to go to work while I get to sleep in, or lazy that I’m really not doing much that appears productive, or afraid that boredom will lead me to idol activities or instant gratification, so to preoccupy my mind I’ve been reading a lot, sleeping, and journaling.  And it has reminded me why I love God so much.  He is in the moments we realize we do nothing (even if sometimes we can fool ourselves into thinking we do something by filling our schedules as I often do) but when I have a moment like this, where I’m not “obligated to do something” I see how all along my only obligation was to be with God and enjoy Him.  To be still and know that He is God.  

Sounds simple but it’s harder when you actually attempt to do it! Haha but then you actually do it and it’s sooo nice :) 

Soaking in His wisdom, His truth, His provision, His ways...so that when I do find myself back in a schedule it will not be any different.  

Because whether I’m at work, school, home, with mentees or mentors, at the DMV or serving at encounter, I am still doing nothing (in the sense that I can produce good things to happen in my life by working for it) and God is doing everything for me to be in His presence.  That is, wherever we are, God is calling us to be with Him and entrust our lives to His sovereignty because that is how we will walk in the good works He has prepared for us to walk in with the most blessed attitude. 

This part in the book I’m reading called “a long obedience in the same direction: discipleship in an instant society” renewed my mind to remain in the truth about myself, my life, and my God.  I had lunch with lily a while back and we were talking about how our social media generation is all about maximizing every moment, and this has caused us and our future children to be more fearful of a real life that isn’t always instagram-worthy.  

So it got me meditating on how I should expect a life in Christ to be like, and then how to teach that life to my youth kids and my daughter.  Such a life is certainly not always instagram-ready.  Many times following Christ has long seasons of minimal excitement and excess confusion, but it is built securely on an eternal destination.  A long obedience in the same direction reminds us that our lives are worth living by not chasing temporary snapshots with fake filters, but on the hope that Christ has shown us the only way back Home. 

Here it is: 

“Rescue me from the lies of advertisers who claim to know what I need and what I desire, from the lies of entertainers who promise a cheap way to joy, from the lies of politicians who pretend to instruct me in power and morality, from the lies of psychologists who offer to shape my behavior and my morals so that I will live long, happily and successfully, from the lies of religionists who “heal the wounds of this people lightly,” from the lies of moralists who pretend to promote me to the office of captain of my fate, from the lies of pastors who “get rid of God’s command so you won’t be inconvenienced in following the religious fashions!” (Mk 7: 8). Rescue me from the person who tells me of life and omits Christ, who is wise in the ways of the world and ignores the movement of the Spirit.

The lies are impeccably factual. They contain no errors. There are no distortions or falsified data. But they are lies all the same, because they claim to tell us who we are and omit everything about our origin in God and our destiny in God. They talk about the world without telling us that God made it. They tell us about our bodies without telling us that they are temples of the Holy Spirit. They instruct us in love without telling us about the God who loves us and gave himself for us.

The truth about me is that God made and loves me. The truth about those sitting beside me is that God made them and loves them, and each one is therefore my neighbor. The truth about the world is that God rules and provides for it. The truth about what is wrong with the world is that I and the neighbor sitting beside me have sinned in refusing to let God be for us, over us and in us. The truth about what is at the center of our lives and of our history is that Jesus Christ was crucified on the cross for our sins and raised from the tomb for our salvation and that we can participate in new life as we believe in him, accept his mercy, respond to his love, attend to his commands.

John Baillie wrote, “I am sure that the bit of the road that most requires to be illuminated is the point where it forks.” The psalmist’s God is a lightning flash illuminating just such a crossroads. Psalm 120 is the decision to take one way over against the other. 

It is the turning point marking the transition from a dreamy nostalgia for a better life to a rugged pilgrimage of discipleship in faith, from complaining about how bad things are to pursuing all things good. 

This decision is said and sung on every continent in every language. The decision has been realized in every sort of life in every century in the long history of humankind. The decision is quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) announced from thousands of Christian pulpits all over the world each Sunday morning. The decision is witnessed by millions in homes, factories, schools, businesses, offices and fields every day of every week. 

The people who make the decision and take delight in it are the people called Christians.”

 -Eugene Peterson

This is our pilgrimage until Jesus returns,

And our battle with the world is not against drugs, pornography, losing money, addictions or other people who mistreat us...but against the expectations in our hearts that either tell us to go this way or that way.  It is about who we are committed to be our truth.  If our truth is Jesus then we commit to denying ourselves to follow Him no matter what, but if our truth is to feel good then we will commit to following what we expect is good for us.  This is so hard, because anything that takes so much time before results is hard!  

But it’s easier than we think when we finally realize there is no other way haha.  

God wins.  The end.  It’s just foolishness to keep fighting for the wrong team.  

But we do it all day, until we stop to be still and know that He is God.  

“Before a man can do things there must be things he will not do.”

 -MENCIUS

I will not think or expect that I know what’s best for me if it goes against my joy and satisfaction in Christ.  

Happy February everyone! 

Jmegrey

Remember how you were once dead in your sins, but not anymore!

My husband and I both had horrible nightmares last night.  Both about how sexual sins ruin lives.

How the ruler of this world is using sexual temptation to draw people away from the presence God.

It reminded both of us that our own marriage is one built by God’s grace.
That we did nothing but receive the forgiveness of Christ and were shown the light to put Him at the center of our marriage, above our evil desires, which now provides us with a blessed marriage!
Both of us came from a life of sin, rich with evil desires for worldly things, both of us were once under the influence of the darkness that made us disobedient to Christ’s ways, and both of us were dead when Christ saved us!
However, we are both here now, alive and blessed, because of grace not because of anything we did.

The lives of those who are stuck in misery and destruction are no different than where Ben and I came from.

So everyday that we hear God’s voice is a reminder that while we were dead, Jesus plummeted to death to bring us up to new life! Let’s remember the grace we have today for the fact that we even know God!
He saved every one of us from our deadness, and everyday He speaks to our hearts, searches us, to lead us into the new life in Christ!  Thank God for pursuing us each day!

We are blessed because we are the recipients of great grace!

“And you were dead in your trespasses and sins in which you previously walked according to the ways of this world, according to the ruler who exercises authority over the lower heavens, the spirit now working in the disobedient. We too all previously lived among them in our fleshly desires, carrying out the inclinations of our flesh and thoughts, and we were by nature children under wrath as the others were also. But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love that He had for us, made us alive with the Messiah even though we were dead in trespasses. You are saved by grace!”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:1-5‬ ‭

As we have been saved by grace,
we now go on mission to seek and save more by that very same grace!
As we experience the good days and the bad, we now go to God in prayer for how to remain in His plan at all times to find our next steps and turns in the new life we have because of grace!
Our sufferings are no longer in vain because we have a reason to always rejoice in hope, for we were once utterly dead in our sins, but now have a way to life in every situation!

We have this great and mighty grace!
No longer do we turn from deadness to deadness, but we are being shaped and transformed from glory to glory!  Everyday is another day to rejoice that we have been brought up from the dead!
Live aware of Christ’s presence working in you today!
Jmegrey

For us Death is Life

Sometimes in marriage it can feel like you’ve married a stranger.  The person you held and loves feels suddenly distant and impersonal.  Who is this person?  They are themselves, in all their own nature as broken human beings—as all people are, including ourselves.  We, too, become strangers to our spouses and they may feel we are distant and not the person they once knew.  We are changing or we are discovering more about ourselves in living with each other.  All the demons come out, the shadows, the dark secrets, the fears, and worst of all the actions behind it all.  We say words in tones that are hurtful, silences that cause emotional pain, and our hearts grow cold and bitter.  We wish for the other reach out and embrace us, but when it doesn’t happen we grow even more afraid, more cold, and more distant.  We become strangers who can’t find a relationship because of our assumptions and fantasies unmet. How wretched are we if we expect to get what we want to be happy!  Who would be happy then?  For who could provide what one expects all the time?  

But thanks be to Christ who showed us the way.  That happiness is a formula and it is to lay one’s life down for the other.  To die to one’s fears, insecurities, expectations, and fantastical desires.  We die to be happy as Christ showed us in His death and resurrection.  Oh how awful death is!  But how marvelous the resurrection is!  Both are frightfully so beyond our ability to grasp, yet they are the two things before us that move us one way or another.  One toward life is death, the other towards death is life.  

Help me Lord to follow You. 

It feels easier now because I’ve already been so wretched as to kill and destroy my own loved ones by my actions.  But now, Your mercy is giving me at least an opportunity to show my gratitude by loving my husband well when he returns.  Make my heart more soft and melted!  Give me reason! Give me wisdom!  Give me mercy!  

Thank You.  

Jmegrey

Feelings are real, but they are not reliable. 

Moving on conviction

“...and everything that is not from a conviction is sin.” 

—Romans 14:23

This verse paired with Isaiah 30:21 that says, “and whenever you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear this command behind you: "This is the way. Walk in it." has been my guiding light the past two days.  

It’s funny how fine I feel until the Bible tells me what sin is and I see it in me.  Then I’m guilty, but when I feel fine and don’t know or see the sin in me I don’t feel guilty (even if it’s there).  But in life I want to live in the truth because even though feeling fine (and ignorant) might be more comfortable on my life for a while, it’s so bland compared to what God has for us when we let the truth set us free!  So I’ve been thinking about how anything and everything that is not from a conviction is sin!  Are you convicted to eat?  Good! Am I convicted to fold the laundry?  Good.  Am I convicted to text this person, to take a nap, all of it has to flow from conviction otherwise I’m sinning against the God I love!  

I hope we can consider today as constant convictions at every turn and for everything we do.  Right step, Let’s hear the Spirit say “this is the way, walk in it.”  Left step, right step, step by step moving only by conviction.  

It’s so good!  It’s not something you do perfectly but willingly.  :)

Jmegrey

The treasures we bring on Christmas

The gifts of the magi represented intensifiers of desire FOR CHRIST Himself.  Baby Jesus didn’t need gold, frankincense or myrrh!  He already owned all of that in Heaven, but the gifts were gifts that gave back.  

The magi offered the most expensive and precious possessions they had as a way of honoring and worshipping Jesus Himself!  These gifts were meant to say that they knew Jesus was worth more than these expensive or nice things.  Jesus didn’t need their gifts, but they needed to give them to Jesus to get the greater treasure in return.  In their giving they were receiving in themselves a true knowledge of who they stood before.  They were receiving love for Jesus! 

“When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. 

After coming into the house they saw the Child with Mary His mother; and they fell to the ground and worshiped Him. 

Then, opening their treasures, they presented to Him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. —Matthew 2:10–11 

God is not served by human hands as though he needed anything (Acts 17:25).  Their treasures that they laid down at the feet of Jesus was their worship.  Because they found the more valuable treasure before them!  

What’s your treasure?  

I’ve been reading and writing Romans 12 almost everyday and it always reminds me that the greatest offering of worship I can give to God is my greatest treasure: my body.  

I want Jesus more, but to desire Jesus is one thing, to do something in order to get it is another.  Here the magi remind us how to move toward getting more of Jesus.  It is in the act of worship.  To lay down our treasures in this life for the gift of getting back the real treasure: a love for Jesus. 

Piper echoes that “This desire I now intensify and demonstrate by giving up things, in the hope of enjoying you more, not things.” 

Our hearts love to worship, whether that be at the altar of beauty, fame, power, or comfort.  We are worshippers by design, and every time we worship at these altars we grow our desire for more of whatever we worship.  So to lay down our treasures at the altar of Christ is to receive a greater enjoyment of Christ!  To lay down our treasures at the altar of comfort is to get back an even greater desire for comfort, and the more we desire other things the less room we have in our lives to enjoy Christ.  

Comfort, beauty, security, and fame are not bad things, but compared to Jesus they are wretched things!  They offer temporary everything.  Temporary peace, temporary enjoyment, and temporary existence.  They all have an expiration date!  These temporary pleasures distract us from an everlasting pleasure!  They distract us from worshipping our true love.  And we miss it, we miss the main point of enjoying our God-breathed lives! 

We find ourselves stuck in a roller coaster cycle of high highs and low lows then long periods of boredom because temporary fixes always need to be repaired or replaced.  

We are left disappointed, lost, hopeless and without any enjoyment left in us for the life we’ve been given TO ENJOY! 

So back to the magi:

“When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. 

After coming into the house they saw the Child with Mary His mother; and they fell to the ground and worshiped Him. 

Then, opening their treasures, they presented to Him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. —Matthew 2:10–11 

What if this Christmas we celebrated like the magi?  That instead of expecting good gifts or thank you comments from the people we bought gifts for we laid our treasures down at the feet of Jesus.  

What if we offered our bodies as a living sacrifice, Holy and pleasing to God, as our spiritual worship?  

Whatever your body usually fancies (recognition, comfort, individuality, etc) can be offered on the altar of Christ in return for an even greater gift in return: an intensified desire for Christ Himself!  

The gift that never runs out of giving.  Christ’s love never expires.  Therefore our enjoyment of Him will also never stop being satiated.  We will enjoy Him now and for all eternity when we worship Him.  Worshippers everywhere, let us worship the only One worthy of worship!  Jesus Messiah! 

Take time to consider what treasures you want to bring to Jesus today as your worship.  And I pray you receive that great joy shared on Christmas night with the magi.  

Jmegrey

I follow Jesus

Habitual + Consequential whole person 

“Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, 

but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty.”

Proverbs 21:5 

“The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, 

but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.”

Proverbs 21:5 

“Careful planning puts you ahead in the long run; 

hurry and scurry puts you further behind.”

Proverbs 21:5 

“The plans of the diligent certainly lead to profit, 

but anyone who is reckless certainly becomes poor.”

Proverbs 21:5 

Good planning

Hard work

Diligent planning 

Careful planning 

Vs.

Hasty 

Shortcuts

Hurry 

Reckless 

What do all these verses point to essentially?  

One leads to the abundant-full life, while the other leads to the limited-scarce life. 

It's more than about your bank account, it's about the overall quality of your life.  To have good food, good relationships, good skin, good body, good job, good income, good habits, and good character all takes good planning, hard work, diligence, and carefulness.  

I am reminded YET AGAIN, that nothing in life is easy, and those words seem to get heavier and heavier the more I try to be hard-working.  

For so long I've created habits of haste, instant gratification, and finding shortcuts or being reckless with my life--because I simply didn't care enough to try.  I had money, I had popularity and lots of friends, I had a loving family and I was even confident that I was pretty.  I got above average grades without even studying, took trips around the world and boys liked me.  You would think that I was living the so-called "good life," but one look at my habits of haste would tell you I didn't care about any of it enough to really care about myself.  Money couldn't buy me happiness, my friends were more like cardboard facades rather than deep and meaningful relationships, my family only saw a fraction of the real me because I chose to hide the truth from them, and vanity drove me to a 7 year eating disorder.  I didn't use my degree for anything, and I don't remember much from any of my many trips to Europe, Asia or anywhere else for that matter.  None of the boys I liked lasted very long because I was not a whole person. 

I didn't have a worthy purpose in life until I met God for real in 2014.  Up until then I was reckless about simply doing or feeling whatever felt good or right to me at any given moment.  I only focused on a small part of my life, the part that was easy, didn't require much patience, endurance, or deep contemplation.  But gradually the other part of me-- the stifled part I had suppressed and neglected for so long would begin leaking from the seams of my so-called "good life."  The part of me I might call the consequential part of me.  

The part of me that was full of pain, anguish, depression, hurt, and disappointment from all the shortcuts, reckless behaviors, hasty actions, and lack of careful planning. 

I hit a low point in my life while I was in my bed one night.  No tears came, only numbness and inner depravity.  It was a mental hell.  I knew if this continued my consequential self would end up destroying me altogether, leaving my parents hurt in the process.  I couldn't just hurt myself, as much as I wanted that to be the case, it simply wasn't-- and knowing that compelled me to seek help.  

It's been a crazy emotional, painful, heart-wrenching 5 year journey since then.  

(2012) Year one was the awakening process, 365 days of more and more awareness of the consequential me.  

(2013) Year 2 was the hunt for what I really believed to be true about God since at that point He was my only hope of help.  365 days of asking myself and God the hard questions like "are You made at me?" "Am I one of Yours or one of Satan's children?"  "Are You even real?"  "Are You even there?"  "Are You really good?"  "Do You really love me?"

(2014) Year 3 was when the gospel was driven into the darkest part of my heart.  365 days of sitting with God in the swamps of my sin and getting to know Him there.  This was probably the most painful and most best year for me.  It was a time of so much weeping and so much cutting off of my old ways, yet also the most intimate moments I had with God. 

(2015) Year 4 was a time of falling more in love with God.  Some might call it unceasing prayer, but it was simply me talking to God all the time.  This was my second year at Talbot School of Theology at Biola University.  I was soaking in His Word, spending hours with Him, all the while still holding His hand through the many more swamps of my sin.  However, it got better because I knew His love was for sure.  I waded through painful reality with a little more freedom and a lot of courage.  

(2016) Year 5 was all about taking action.  I had soaked up so much knowledge of God in the previous year that now it was getting put to the test.  I began dating my now husband on August 16, 2016, but up to that point I had been practicing walking in what God showed me was love with family members, friends, and of course myself.  Things got really real, though, when I started dating because I had no intention of getting married, but remained open to whatever God lead me into.  When I met Ben (my now husband) I was a completely different person than I was just a year ago.  I was going through so many character changes that I had no idea what I was in for.  The honesty, the clarity in communicating, and bringing up all the petty differences mattered, and mattered deeply to my soul.  All the while my old self was more determined than ever to make a comeback since this was an area of deep rooted bad habits.  I pressed into God so much in this year.  I listened to my mom for so much guidance!  Most of the time I was unaware of how to be in a Christ-centered relationship, so I just took action to find out what that was (mess ups lead me to right ups.). I was also leading the youth group and continually finding myself at a loss for ability to do so.  I simply "showed up" and hoped for God to use my presence in ministry since I lacked everything else.  And He did, apparently. 

(2017). This year I got married on August 16, 2017.  I couldn't really tell you much about what this year has been because I'm still in it, but looking back it felt like a year of walking by faith.  There were many times of spiritual confusion, mental boredom, and physical restlessness.  What my eyes saw my spirit had to speak into because I couldn't rely on my circumstances or my feelings to guide me.  Youth group felt like it was dying, my friends seemed to grow distant, and sharing my heart with another man took getting used to for me because I had previously only bared my whole heart to God.  I was in new challenging situations.  And I got pregnant in September!  I was blessed, but I wanted more than the blessings...I wanted Year 3 intimacy feelings with God.  But God had different plans for me, He had Year 6 intimacy plans for us.  So here I am, reading proverbs 21:6 on Dec 5, 2017. 

“Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, 

but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty.”

Proverbs 21:5 

This time those words breathe life into my bones.  It's times when things get difficult that we must plan for what we know is good: intimacy with the Father is more than just getting everything He has (blessings), it's getting Him.  The relationship that sustains us and fills us with a fullness that makes us whole and wholly good.  

In the past it would have been easy for me to make haste and find the quickest way to distract myself from difficulty or pain, to lock up consequential me in the basement of my heart, but not today.  

Nothing in life is easy, shortcuts start easy but end in difficulty, while carful planning starts with difficulty but ends in abundance.  

If "Structure breeds freedom" then "Haste breeds slavery" 

My story is a testimony of losing myself and gaining Christ.  He took the road that led Him to the cross, where He now sits in eternal glory with the Father.  

I follow Jesus,

Jmegrey 

Keep choosing God (by Henri Nouwen)

Keep Choosing God

You are constantly facing choices.
The question is whether you choose for God or for your own doubting self. You know what the right choice is, but your emotions, passions, and feelings keep suggesting you choose the self-rejecting way.

The root choice is to trust at all times that God is with you and will give you what you most need. Your self-rejecting emotions might say, “It isn’t going to work. I’m still suffering the same anguish I did six months ago. I will probably fall back into the old depressive patterns of acting and reacting. I haven’t really changed.” And on and on. It is hard not to listen to these voices. Still, you know that these are not God’s voice.

God says to you, “I love you, I am with you, I want to see you come closer to me and experience the joy and peace of my presence. I want to give you a new heart and a new spirit. I want you to speak with my mouth, see with my eyes, hear with my ears, touch with my hands. All that is mine is yours. Just trust me and let me be your God.”
This is the voice to listen to.

And that listening requires a real choice, not just once in a while but every moment of each day and night. It is you who decides what you think, say, and do. You can think yourself into a depression, you can talk yourself into low self-esteem, you can act in a self-rejecting way. But you always have a choice to think, speak, and act in the name of God and so move toward the Light, the Truth, and the Life.

As you conclude this period of spiritual renewal, you are faced once again with a choice. You can choose to remember this time as a failed attempt to be completely reborn, or you can also choose to remember it as the precious time when God began new things in you that need to be brought to completion. Your future depends on how you decide to remember your past. Choose for the truth of what you know.
Do not let your still anxious emotions distract you.

As you keep choosing God, your emotions will gradually give up their rebellion and be converted to the truth in you. You are facing a real spiritual battle. But do not be afraid. You are not alone. Those who have guided you during this period are not leaving you. Their prayers and support will be with you wherever you go. Keep them close to your heart so that they can guide you as you make your choices.

Remember, you are held safe.
You are loved.
You are protected.
You are in communion with God and with those whom God has sent you. What is of God will last. It belongs to the eternal life.
Choose it, and it will be yours.

-Henri Nouwen "The inner voice of Love"