Dear Meadow

 Dear meadow, 

Sigh.  Sometimes I find that the life of a parent is truly sad because as kids we all learn to drown out our parents (I did too! So I can’t even blame you!) and here I am trying to tell you all that I can to do my best to help you find your life in Christ—but I feel a little bit like there’s sometimes a wall between us.  As if I am helpless to reach you—like when I try to call out daddy’s name from inside the car and he is outside and can’t hear me.  I feel as if I’m not allowed in to your heart…the door is shut and so may of my words may fall on deaf ears.  BUT…I know and hope that one day these words—wherever they may land will still be there hanging around the door of your heart and you will begin to open the door and find them one by one.  The first thing I want to say is how I love you so so much!  You are my daughter and it’s crazy because you came out of me!  You are part of me!  Half me and half daddy!  And God knit you together in my womb and you are perfect!  I love you so much…my best reason for loving you is that there is no reason or explanation.  I simply have an intense love for you because you are mine.  

Second, I would say that I am sorry.  I have made many mistakes in my life that have led to many mistakes as a mom and I’m not proud of many moments that I made those mistakes with you.  Like how I didn’t let you sleep with mommy when you were little (only later when you were older, but when you were 1-3 years old I tried to force-train you to sleep in your own bed and many nights it was done in anger and frustration…and one night I found you huddled in your closet.  It still hurts to think about that and I am really so sorry my love.  I have prayed to God many times that He would redeem my mistakes and protect you from me if I was doing anything harmful in my words, actions, attitudes or lack thereof.  I’m sorry my love…deeply sorry.  I need Jesus!  

Thirdly, I would say…you need Jesus.  You will never find life outside of your relationship with God.  Many things may seem promising but none will deliver on their promises—it’s all lies.  Only God will bring you the peace in your heart that you never thought possible and the joy that is deeper than you ever knew.  I hope and pray you fall in love with God and come to taste and see His goodness!  I pray you surrender your whole self to Him because when you do—though it will be hellishly painful at times—you will almost immediately forgot the pain once you experience the result of going God’s way!  The cost is costly, but the rewards FAR OUTWEIGHS IT!  There is truly nothing like the love of God and to know how much He sees, knows, and loves you.  

Until my next letter, 

Mommy.  

10 months old

 I haven’t written in a while, and I probably won’t be very consistent…because that’s been my history, but I wanted to check in and write that Noah is doing well.  It’s still occurs to me that my son has Down syndrome, and then I’m like “whoa” even though all the signs are there: he sees 3 different therapists who work with him in our house, he had duodenal atresia surgery, he’s hard of hearing in one ear, he has the almond eyes and the tongue out resting face, he hasn’t begun to crawl or sit up by himself yet (he’s very delayed as predicted) and he still has several doctors on his medical care team.  However, when I look at Noah’s face I recall a few things: 1.  God gave me him, which makes Noah a precious precious gift given to me by God for God’s purposes (which are both perfect and good for me), 2. He is so beautiful and I love him so much!  

I don’t quite FEEL his Down syndrome yet, but all I know is God is in control and each day I take a step with Him and everything works out.  

Love you all, 

Jmegrey

6 months old

 April 24,2023

Noah just had his 6 month check up.  It feels like every month of health is a supreme gift!  I feel like screaming “we made it!” Haha.  Only because it’s been such a fragile time for Noah…from surgery at birth to contracting RSV at 1 month, to finding out he has loss of hearing in one ear (got his hearing aide that we don’t use because it’s not very practical at his age), to getting pneumonia after our Korea trip and all the therapy appointments in between that show he is delayed from normal kids.  I knew this was all to be expected and yet it still doesn’t make it less “fragile.”  So to make it to 6 months feels like a tremendous win!  However, my husband, who took Noah to his appointment, told me that we need to get his head and eyes checked because he could potentially go cross-eyed.  His head has been needing to get checked as well I’m case the platelets around his skull are not growing properly.

When I heard the news of about him needing to get his eyes checked and that he could potentially become cross-eyed I needed to run to God again.  I know that’s a blessing, but at the moment it feels like a burden…I don’t want Noah to be cross eyed.  I don’t want him to look funny or have trouble seeing well.  I don’t want him to be cross-eyed!  And I know God knows.  And I pray that Noah wouldn’t be, but I hold my prayer with open hands knowing that God is wiser than me and God has a plan for Noah.  And that plan is good—cross-eyed or not. 

So, I dive into prayer and meet God in the secret place. 

I’ve been listening to this song called “Be near to me” by Davy flowers and it’s a constant reminder to myself when I lose it…that I have it all.  That nearness to God is all I need.  I take rest in Him. 

I just put Noah down for a nap and I love to stare at him.  Asleep or awake Noah is just so beautiful to me.  I love everything about him.  His head, his eyes, his nose, his mouth, his neck and all the rolls on his little doughy body.  He’s my baby boy!  I love him so much.  But for a split second I am transported to a place where I care about what others think and then I start to sort of feel sorry for myself.  I start to think “why Lord?”  Why me?  Why my son?  Why my family?  And I start to think about all the people around me who have perfectly healthy kids and I start to feel like I got the short end of the stick.  This was the same feeling I had when I first received the diagnoses at 12 weeks pregnant.  

And I ask myself: “Jamie did you just convince yourself that it’s not that bad, but really you feel like it’s terrible that Noah has Down syndrome?” 

And I know without a single doubt in my mind that the answer to that question is “No.”. A resounding “No.”. But I need to ask myself and I need to hear my truth because when I don’t it’s easy for me to think my feelings in that “split second” are the truth.  But it’s not—it’s more like me thinking about the difficulties alone without all blessings.  And anytime we focus on the bad or focus on the food our attitude towards that thing will start to get influenced.  But when I look at the WHOLE picture: Noah has Down syndrome and he has been a joy and he is so sweet and is such a fighter for life.  Noah is hard of hearing in his left ear, but his right ear will hear the sound of my voice and erupt into the biggest smile.  His lower body has low muscle tone and we are blessed to have a full on team of therapists and professionals who come to our house for free to be with Noah and love on him.  

Noah might end up becoming cross-eyed, but it won’t affect his heart for Jesus and it won’t touch his smile.  

I don’t have to worry about anything.  

I can put my trust in God, because up until now God has proven to me that I needed Noah and I am a better person now because of Noah.  To be honest, it’s not harder or crazy inconvenient as I had feared it might be, and maybe that’s because he is still young, but now that Noah is here my love has grown more powerful and I know that whatever the future holds we have more than enough strength and provision to live our lives to the fullest.  

Almost 5 months as a parent of 3

 Noah is doing incredibly well—all things considered.  He is getting stronger and smiling more often that it just makes me swoon.  It is definitely alot of work because he has so many needs, so many people on his care team and sadly a mom who is really not good at juggling more than a few things at a time!  I’m still trying to stay on track with the basics like feedings, laundry, dishes, and my oldest daughter’s school things.  (Meadow is supposed to start kindergarten this year, but I haven’t had time to look for one and enroll her yet!). 

One might say I’m a bit of a hot mess.  I’m always busy but I don’t think I’m very smart with my time.  So I get a lot done but not a lot done.  I’m simply doing a lot of cleaning everyday.  Haha but I am thankful my milk supply is still going strong.  This is the first time where I am feeding my baby exclusively breast milk as I pump it out every 3-4 hours.  It’s exhausting and my boobs have taken a beating, but if it will save us money and be the best for Noah then I am still going to keep doing it until I can’t.  

Okay, now for the honesty. 

So, having a child with Down syndrome and hearing loss is scary because I’m not sure if I’m getting him all the help he needs to develop optimally.  I wish I had a planner or secretary who wold just tell me where I need to go and when…but I am my own planner and secretary and I suck at the job.  It’s a lot to ingest.  There are a lot of acronyms for all the different organizations such as EIP, DSA, IEP, DHH, and then there’s sources that are connected like regional center and sunny days and others that are not like John Tracy?  I feel overwhelmed to say the least and guilty because I don’t have the time to understand all of them.  

So, I’m just sort of taking things  dry nice and slow.  One thing at a time.  So, Noah is doing physical therapy 1x a week and he will be getting his hearing aid soon so I plan to find him a deaf coach so we can learn some sign language together.  

After that I have no clue.  I will take it as it all happens.  

Then I have my two other kids to think about (my 2 year old son possibly starting preschool soon and my 4 year old daughter who will be starting Kindergarten soon.) 

And then I have my ministry at church to think about and how God wants to use me to help just one more soul enter into relationship with Him.  

And then there’s marriage and all the crazy wrenches that get thrown into that wheel of a ride! 

Then there’s my post baby body that I would like to see bounce back, but I’m not ready to give up cookies and brownies nor do I have the time to go to the gym. Haha.  

I am in need of God’s help to guide my life so that I can help guide my kids to Him too.  

What is God’s purpose?

We found out today that Noah has a hearing impairment in his left ear and will need to be suited for a hearing aid.  

I knew this could happen and I thought I had prepared myself for it, but the news in real time still left me a little discombobulated.  For a moment I just froze and felt sad…I felt as if something was being taken from me, maybe the idea of being a normal family with healthy children?  I don’t know…but whatever it was it did leave me with a level of uncertainty for the future.  

But I knew, as the feeling lingered, that I had to give it to God.  I had to give the situation, the circumstance, the impairment and the consequences that came with it to God.  

I was reading 1 Samuel this morning and it was about the wickedness of Eli’s two sons—Hophni and Phinehas—and how they disregarded the Lord by doing whatever they wanted with God’s sanctuary and their dad never stopped them.  

“I told him that I am going to judge his family forever because of the iniquity he knows about: his sons are defiling the sanctuary, and he has not stopped them.”

‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭3‬:‭13‬ ‭

They end up all dying, including the dad. It made me think how two healthy sons born into a family that knows God and raised in the church are wicked and end up living worthless lives and dying a worthless death. 

I can’t guarantee that Noah will NOT live the same life of selfishness, but I can say with confidence that having a healthy life and growing up comfortable may not always be what leads to a good life for you or your children. 

What makes a life valuable is when a person lives for God’s purpose.  

Now, here’s the small print about living for God’s purpose that I think most people miss: it’s about the desires of your heart and the choices that come about as a result. 

Do you desire to do what God wants more than anything else?  

His directions are plain and simple:  die to yourself and do as He did.  

Live as He did.  

Renew your mind daily. 

Present your requests to Him as needed.

Rejoice always. 

Be thankful. 

Serve others. 

Don’t worry. 

Work hard. 

Don’t seek Justice for yourself, but leave it to God.  

Obey even if it kids you. 

Take ownership of your relationship with God and follow Him the best that you can.  

This is the life I can still show my kids.

The real question is:  am I doing that? 

There is nothing hidden that will not be exposed.  

So live a life exposed to God.

“For nothing is concealed that won’t be revealed, and nothing hidden that won’t be made known and come to light. 

Therefore take care how you listen. 

For whoever has, more will be given to him; and whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken away from him.””

‭‭Luke‬ ‭8‬:‭17‬-‭18‬ ‭

God offers us the gift of life that keeps on giving, but it is unsuited for those who don’t follow Him.  Is it hard to follow God?  Absolutely!  Sometimes it’s downright painful, but it is WORTH it. 

That is what it means to fear God.  

He knows every choice you make today and whether or not it was made in submission to His will or your own selfish desires.  

I pray for strength to chase after what feels difficult if that is where God is taking me.  (And lots of mercy when it takes me too long to get there!) 

I expect….

And then I get so disappointed. 

So hurt. 

And then angry. 

And then I have to remember that I had expected something outside of Your will.  

I need only fix my eyes on You. 

Help me to do that.  

Help me to fall more in love with you.  

Help me have a desire to do what You want because I just love You. 

God sees everything

 Reminder to myself: 

Nothing goes unseen before God so live before Him. 

Choose God’s way.

At times I really don’t know if I’m asking God and moving by His direction or if I’m just doing what I think fits the occasion.  It really requires a slowing down of my breathing, my mind, my body, and my emotions (if that’s possible).  Basically it requires time to stop whatever I’m doing or thinking and remember not to trust myself but to ask God and consider my own thoughts to be deceptive and warped. 

How can sinners live before God? 

It’s simple. 

We must deny ourselves completely.  

Not partially.  Not just when we get scared or something bad is on the horizon.  

Completely.  

It means we learn to be totally and completely dependent on His voice even if it means we chuck everything we ever accomplished in knowing up until this point. 

We must have a pure surrender before Him. 

Look at my baby Noah.  

He is totally dependent on me.  

If I put him down then he stays down.  

If I carry him downstairs then he goes downstairs.  

Luckily for him I’m crazy about him so I try to think what he would like—he likes to be carried rather than laid down, he likes to be looked at, sang to, talked with, and he likes his diaper changed as soon as he pees.   

So, although he is totally dependent on me for everything I am happy to give him the kind of care and love that he could never have on his own.  I love to consider his needs and meet them. 

That is what surrender to God is. 

It is not that we “sacrifice” or “give up” something precious in order to submit to God, but we surrender ourselves to God who can and desires to give us what we could never have on our own: life in abundance.  

I just have to remember to live before God.  To trust Him more than myself.  To remember that He looks at my heart—my true motives and desires.  To listen rather than react.  To wait rather than take control.  To surrender myself to Him in obedience to whatever He would have me do because I know that He desires to give me what I could never give myself.  When I live before God then I never need to worry about anything because He already has everything under control to give me the most blessed life.  I simply follow and obey.  

“But if it doesn’t please you to worship Yahweh, choose for yourselves today the one you will worship: the gods your fathers worshiped beyond the Euphrates River or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living. 

As for me and my family, we will worship Yahweh.””

‭‭Joshua‬ ‭24‬:‭15‬ ‭

Gospel 101

 “If we say, “We have fellowship with Him,” 

yet we walk in darkness, 

we are lying and are not practicing the truth. 

But if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.”

‭‭1 John‬ ‭1‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭

“For nothing is concealed that won’t be revealed, and nothing hidden that won’t be made known and come to light.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭8‬:‭17‬ ‭

““Therefore, don’t be afraid of them, since there is nothing covered that won’t be uncovered and nothing hidden that won’t be made known.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭10‬:‭26‬ ‭

Being fully known simply means you understand that you need Jesus because the reality is: I am a dirty dirty sinner.  Just ask God to expose you and you will see just how far you fall from His standard.  What makes us feel “not so bad” is our own standard, but when we live under God’s standard we will see how wretched we truly are.  We are broken to the max.  We only intend to do evil all the time (Gen. 6:5) because we mostly live for our own agendas rather than God’s.  

Yet we have hope because it says that when we live in the light then Jesus will cleanse us from our sin.  In other words, it’s not that we will no longer have evil intent, but now we will be aware of it, and therefore can repent of it and be met by God’s grace to be forgiven of it!  And that is how we ought to live each day—in the light of this truth that God is constantly giving us this forgiving grace for our constant state of sin!  And His grace TRANSFORMS us to be more and more like Christ so that not only does God cleanse us but He moves us to live differently.  

We must come into the light daily.  

We must recognize our desperate need for God daily.  

Just ask God to show you His standard and let it crush you because it should.  We never had a chance until Jesus came and saved every one of us by dying on that cross and giving us the free gift of His imputed righteous (He transferred His perfection onto us by taking on our evilness). The exchange is ridiculous and can only be explained by God’s immense love for us.  

When you live in the light of His standard you will find that His grace is sufficient for you because you fail every time, but Christ covers you completely.  You owe everything to His work on the cross for you.  And Jesus intercedes for you daily so that each day you can live exposed only to receive His grace again and again.  

Your intentions are evil but when we live in the light it means we expose ourselves to be corrected by God. 

When we come into the light of God it means we are giving God liberty to do with us whatever He will.  

And God chooses to forgive us and this ought to lead us to CHANGE so that we love sin less and less and fall more and more in love with our Savior.  

Living in the light is both frightening and freeing because we must face the reality of our wretchedness while at the same time experiencing the power of His love for us.  

I pray you fall more in love with Jesus as you step into His exposing light. 

Basic stuff that I need everyday

 At times all I know is that I need God’s wisdom because my mind has a lot of ideas and opinions that cannot be trusted.  

I’ve learned that waiting for God to “fix my problems” is the best way to go about fixing my problems.  Although it may take longer than I want, there is essentially nothing else I can do.  If God takes 2 hours to tell me what to do then for 2 hours I can do nothing but wait.  

If my children need to take a certain medicine 3 times a day for 3 days in order to get well, then that is what I need to do regardless of my preferences.  My preferences don’t matter because the cure is as given.  

Waiting on God is difficult because it can leave me in a state of uncertainty which can feel uncomfortable.  However denying that God is good is much more harmful to myself.  When I see my situation through God’s eyes I become desperate for His wisdom.  No matter how scary or painful reality is, trying to make it something else is way worse because when I make my truth something that fits my preferences I become more self-reliant.  But when I see the truth as it is I am drawn deeper into dependence on God, and that is how we must all live every single day. 

Apart from Him we are doing empty things that have no real substance or lasting power—all for the sake of easing the pain of our uncertainties.  

As I watch my children grow, as I observe the reality of how difficult marriage is, the reality of what it takes to lead a small group or do life in community—I am a desperate woman.  

Noah having Down syndrome is a huge blessing because that reality is so obvious.  

I need God to keep my baby alive.  

But as I pray the truth gets revealed again and again that I need God for so much more! And as I see how God’s grace has been covering me in all my blind spots I am so thankful again to have this life where God has me and will not leave me to my own devices.  He knows me and He helps me when I call on His name—which should be everyday! 

Change today.

““But what do you think? 

A man had two sons. 

He went to the first and said, ‘My son, go, work in the vineyard today.’ 

“He answered, ‘I don’t want to! 

’ Yet later he changed his mind and went.

Then the man went to the other and said the same thing. 

“ ‘I will, sir,’ he answered. But he didn’t go. 

“Which of the two did his father’s will? ” 

“The first,” they said. 

Jesus said to them, “I assure you: Tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God before you! 

For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you didn’t believe him. 

Tax collectors and prostitutes did believe him, but you, when you saw it, didn’t even change your minds then and believe him.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭21‬:‭28‬-‭32‬ ‭

Notice that both brothers have something in common: they both don’t want to listen.  

They both have their mind set to do what they want to do.  

In their heart of hearts they are both sinfully selfish.  

So, what is Jesus teaching here?

At first you might think it’s the response that sets them apart, but we all know God doesn’t care about lip service.  

God sees the heart. 

Jesus says the main difference is the one who changed his mind vs those who don’t change their minds. 

He mentions prostitutes and money hoarders as those who are the ones doing God’s will over the Bible teachers (Pharisees)!  In other words He couldn’t care less about what position you have in life.  What He wants is the heart.  

A heart to CHANGE. 

In other words, BOTH brothers needed to CHANGE their thinking in order to obey, but only one did so. 

This morning let us remember that our minds need to be CHANGED if you want to follow the voice of God today. 

Everyone has a way of thinking that is sinfully self-centered and therefore the only way to enjoy walking closely with God today is to ask Him to help you change the way you think.  

Renew your mindset every moment (Romans 12:1-2). 

Obedience begins with a change in our minds. 

Love you guys. 

I pray you draw closer to God today. 

Humility will crush toxic thoughts

 When thoughts assail me…

The biggest battles are in the mind.  A fight to choose to stop what I’m thinking and to ask God “what do You think?” And then to trust that His thoughts are way smarter than mine so it would do me well to just drop my thoughts.  Of course not all my thoughts—that’d be impossible or lazy.

But you know what thoughts need to be cut out.  

The ones that are toxic: complaints, comparisons, and criticism. 

Just kick them out!  

And I ask God to redirect my mind.  

But they always come back to assail me!  

They come back again and again and I have to go to God again and again.  

A lot of the times my battles are when I feel my mind beginning to harbor a complaint.  I see something (ie: my husband not doing something I expected him to do) and then suddenly I can think of 10 other things he doesn’t do that bother me.  

Or when I begin to compare my life with someone else then envy or entitlement set in and I’ve lost my joy. 

Or when I begin to be critical of something or someone, then I cannot see them as a person.  

These are the kinds of thoughts that need to be kicked out as soon as they assail me. 

And they put up quite a fight.

It’s exhausting.  

I would much rather entertain them so that I wouldn’t have to work so hard to change my mind, but if I did that then I wouldn’t be doing what God wants.  

I would be choosing to go against what God has shown me in His word to be true.  

God has given us the way to live but we must choose His way even if it is tedious and tiresome.  

So, what are the kinds of thoughts that I am supposed to have? 

“Rejoice in the Lord always. 

I will say it again: Rejoice! 

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise — dwell on these things.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭4‬, ‭8‬ ‭

Having the kind of mind described in the passages above is not easy.  I can really only have that mind when I am close with God, filled with God’s love for me and just humbly reminded of how He has carried me in my darkest moments and forgave me.  

Humility is the only way to have the mind of Christ and ultimately it is the only way to have the ability to boot out the three contaminating “C’s”: complaints, comparisons, and criticism.  

And humility happens when I step into the presence of God.  

I need to be close to God so that His truth would humble me and help me fight those thoughts that assail me every moment of every day.  

Humility.  Humility.  Humility. 

When the thoughts assail me, my battle is to draw closer to God and be humbled. I tend to make myself to be much better than i really am.  

But I am sinful, saved by grace and called to be an ambassador for Christ by spreading grace to others.  

My heart must remember to be about His will and not my own.  

Gos knows.  He sees my heart. 

Intimacy with God

 “You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭26‬:‭3‬ ‭

There’s a song called “different” by Micah Tyler that I have shared many times before, and it continues to bless me.  It’s about going through difficult things—and instead of having God change the things around me it’s about asking God to CHANGE ME to handle the things that He is walking me through.  

It is and always will be about my change. 

Sometimes I take a step back, like an out of body experience, and I just think “what the heck is going on?  How did this happen?  What’s going on?  Am I going to be okay?”  And of course the truth is that God is aware of me and I am in His perfect plan for my life.  So, yes…I’m going to be just fine.  In my life I have learned to trust God no matter what, because what other alternative do I have? 

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is when Jesus starts talking about the gospel of His body being the bread of life and many of the disciples are leaving Him because the message is hard to swallow.  Hard to believe.  So Jesus turns to the twelve and asks them: “do you want to leave Me too?” And Peter aptly responds: “where would we go?  You have the words of life.” In other words, there’a nothing left for them.  Jesus is it.  

“From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.””

‭‭John‬ ‭6‬:‭66‬-‭69‬ ‭

They have found the answer to all things.  

They have found God.  

There is no other alternative for them. 

There’s no bargaining or need for proof anymore.  They have come to know God and there is nothing but devotion left for them.  There is nothing more worthy to live for apart from their Lord Jesus because everything else has been proven to be an empty pursuit…vanity.  They are done chasing nonsense and they now have only One option.  

This has been my experience as well.  When there are things in life that I don’t understand, from marital issues to a pregnancy diagnosis of Down Syndrome, I have nothing left but to run to my Savior because He alone holds the words of eternal life.  I need only seek His advice when my mind feels unstable.  I am done relying on my own mind for answers that are beyond my ability to manage.  What could I truly manage?  I have so little control.  For me, the answer has become so simple…only Jesus can tell me what is true.  

It may not be a popular truth, but it is the truth! 

And now it matters only that I know the one from whom this truth comes from.  

I have come to answer the deep question upon which everything else hangs: Is He a good God or is He not?  

That’s what it really comes down to.  

Is God truly good?  

If He is then His truth, no matter how unpalatable it may be, turns into sweet honey to the person who believes that the source is Good.  

And I have come to know who God is, and He is so good! 

I think about His mercy!  His graciousness to me!  His unceasing love despite my unfaithfulness! His faithfulness to me!  This almighty God has chosen me as His beloved child and I know only a gentle and merciful Savior.  That’s who I have experienced!  

He has been so, so good to me. 

Would His faithfulness to me suddenly stop? 

Of course not! 

I am prone to forget, get lazy and drop the ball on valuing intimacy with Him, but He is not like me!  He pursues me daily and when I acknowledge Him even for a split second I’m met with extravagant, overwhelming love.  

He continues to change me to become someone who trusts Him in anything.  

That is intimacy.  

And that is what drawing close to God is all about.  To trust Him in everything.  

Jmegrey

A hellish night in the ER

 “pay attention to your private conversation, that is, the words you say to yourself that no one else hears. 

We are always talking to ourselves about ourselves, life, God, others, meaning and purpose, relationships, trouble, solutions, hope, the past, the future, etc. 

Because of this constant internal conversation, we influence ourselves more than anyone else does, because we hear what we have to say more than we hear anyone else.”

-Paul Tripp 

What are you hearing yourself think today and let’s ask God to renew our minds.  It’s crucial how we think is in line with God’s truth so that our perspective is not simply what we know and see or feel, but WHO we know and see and feel. 

Especially when you feel like you’re in hell. 

Update:

Noah is doing okay. 

To be honest, the day we went into the ER (10/31/22 at 9pm) was the most excruciating experience of my entire life.  

I watched Noah scream until all his blood vessels in his face popped as he tried to breathe but couldn’t and he would periodically scrunch his face in pain and turn purple and grey.  

The nurse assigned to us at the ER was rough and just not handling him well because she wasn’t used to treating small babies.  

As I held him for 3-4 hours straight my arms went numb and I felt so helpless because we were told he needed to be hospitalized but there were no available beds…anywhere in Southern California. In fact, the doctor was trying to find a bed further out because he was planning to fly us out if they had an open bed.  

We waited and waited for hours as Noah screamed and suffered …and he hadn’t been able to eat for 9 hours.  

His lungs did not sound good.  

I was preparing myself to hold him with as much love as I could if he ended up having his last breath crying in my arms.  I was a wreck.  

I was physically alone because Ben had Covid and couldn’t come inside and the staff left me because they didn’t know what else to do.  They didn’t have the right equipment to handle such a small 35 day year old. 

It was the worst nightmare come to life, but I knew God was there even if I couldn’t feel Him.  I said a short but very sincere prayer under my breath: “Lord, May Noah’s name be written in the book of life so that he has an eternal home with You and if this is our last day together on earth it won’t be our last in heaven.  In Jesus name I pray, amen.” 

What I was speaking to myself was the truth…that this life is not the end.  And the best gift I can give to my children is for them to know God and put their hope in life with Him more than this life.  

Then my mom was able to come and I nearly passed out after she took Noah from my arms.  And about an hour or so later we got a call to be transferred to the ER in anaheim where at they at least had staff and equipment to care for small babies  Noah would be near pediatric nurses (since they have a pediatric ward there).  

I rode the ambulance with Noah for 30 minutes and when we got to the ER in anaheim they told us they would try and get Noah a bed in the pediatric ward even though it was full and there were a lot of other kids waiting…but God’s grace!  God’s grace! And I write this with tears because what felt like hell for 3 hours straight suddenly became heaven and I knew God was aware of me.  It was a traumatic night that no parent would ever want to witness.  

We got a room and now we are here and Noah is being treated gently and the staff is amazing.  

His face was covered in red dots from all the broken capillaries that came from him crying for so long, his eyes were red and swollen and he looked extremely weak as if he just got into a bossing match, but he is getting the care and rest now that he needed.  

I forgot to mention that we almost didn’t even take Noah into the ER.  That was God’s grace too!  If we had come a few minutes later..Noah might not have made it. 

I had called to make an appointment for him because he kept having weird episodes where he would look lethargic and all of a sudden the would turn pale and then gasp for air.  My mom, husband and I all saw it happen but we figured he would be okay if he rested.  But something made me to do what I normally don’t do and that is to go into the ER in the dead of night.  

As soon as we got there Noah was at his worst.  His breathing became more and more strained and his episodes of choking were frequent.  They had us wait outside for what felt like forever and when the finally put us in a room they had us wait again for another hour or two until I screamed for help and a nurse rushed in saying what was the matter and she looked at Noah and yelled for a doctor.  

Even though it was the most terrifying ordeal of my life when I look back I do acknowledge that God was in it too.  He never left me alone even though I felt alone until my mom and husband were able to be with me, but for those 3-4 hours with Noah by myself as he screamed and gasped for air I never felt more alone and scared.  

I was tired and hadn’t slept since we got there at 9pm and it had suddenly become 5am the next day.  At 5:30am they took us by ambulance to the ER that had a pediatric ward in the building, and soon enough a bed opened up for us.  It was a miracle and the best relief of my life.  

The whole ordeal was very traumatic, and I almost don’t even remember what happened, but I can firmly say that God was with me and at the end of all that suffering I found myself at peace in His control over my life.  

That is and always will be the dominating narrative in my head and heart.  

And when it’s not I will command my body and mind to make it so.  

Jmegrey

What it comes down to

 I have read a lot more about Down syndrome these past couple of days and most of what I read doesn’t sound that great.  

The life expectancy of Down syndrome people in 1983 was 25 years, that’s 4 years before I was born! Nowadays the life expectancy is around 60 years.  A few other facts about Down syndrome are that they usually have heart issues, hearing issues, muscle development issues and thyroid issues that cause them to gain more weight than normal.  If a Down syndrome person gets married or is able to hold down a job it becomes newsworthy.  

As I read all these things I also come across moms of Down syndrome kids who say things like “we are the lucky few” because Down syndrome occurs 1 in 700 births.  I know why they are saying this…because they love their kids.  They would never want to replace their child, but I don’t know if I’d personally go so far as to say I’m the lucky one because my son has Down syndrome.  If there was a cure for Noah to be normal and healthy I would totally go for it.  

But as it stands there is no cure for Down syndrome.  However, my stance on the situation remains as it was while I was pregnant, which is to say that I trust that God knows what He has planned for me and my family and it is good.  Do I understand what He has planned?  No.  But I trust in who God is to take care of the things that don’t necessarily make sense to me.  I acknowledge that I am limited in my understanding but God is not.  

God has a complete knowledge.  

He sees the beginning, middle and end.  

So, while I’m standing at the beginning of my new life with Noah, I believe God already knows the middle and the end and it is all according to His good plan.  One day I’ll find myself in the middle, and then one day I’ll be at the end.  

He has a plan!  

This isn’t just a random assortment of circumstances being thrown together, but God is a designer by nature.  He is working all of these circumstances in a masterful way to bring all of His citizens home.  He has me and He has planned for me to be brought closer to Him through my circumstances.  

I am not going to pretend like I’m lucky or that Noah is fine and everything feels great, but I do believe that no matter how difficult life gets I have an incredible hope to get me through each moment with peace—a promised covenantal peace—because God is really standing by me.  I believe He is with me, that His Spirit resides in me, and that I don’t walk through life fending for myself.  I walk through life with God.  And God has His reasons for my circumstances for which I am simply called to steward under His leaderships.  The question isn’t whether my situation is good or bad, but it is whether I believe God is good or bad.  And I believe with all my heart that He is so immensely good to me.  

Habits that form perspective

How do I become zealous/passionate for God’s plans? 

Pray for that kind of heart 

Know God and think about who He is

The times that I feel most in love with my husband is when I see him doing something that he knows I will like, but not just doing it…I see him having a good time doing it for me.  He wants to do that for me.  And then I feel so very loved!  

God is the same way.  

He loves to see those who love Him by their obedience to His desires, but not just obedience but a passionate obedience.  He loves to see people who live to be obedient! 

There’s a story in the Bible about a guy who brings a woman into the Israelite camp in front of everyone after God just told them not to be linked to those women, so another guy named Phinehas immediately gets up with a spear and goes after this guy and kills him and the woman with him.  This causes God to turn His wrath away from Israel because God saw that there was someone who still cared about God’s words and took them to heart.  

“Phinehas son of Eleazar, son of Aaron the priest, has turned back My wrath from the Israelites because he was zealous among them with My zeal, so that I did not destroy the Israelites in My zeal. Therefore declare: I grant him My covenant of peace.”

‭‭Numbers‬ ‭25‬:‭11‬-‭12‬ ‭

Now, if think about the guy who got killed, his name was Zimri, he probably just figured “so what” I like this woman so I’m going to hang out with her and be with her.  That was most likely his attitude.  He saw what God did.  He heard what God said.  And He still went ahead and did his own thing.  He didn’t care. 

On the flip side we see that this infuriated a young man and compelled him to take action immediately.  

One man was apathetic to God and the other took that assault personally.  

There are two types of “Christians” in the church.  Apathetic ones and one’s who take God seriously.  And it shows.  

God grants Phinehas a promise of peace.  

While God is pleased to see Zimri struck down. 

God is pleased with the passion of Phinehas but for Zimri who could care less about what God said God watched as he was speared to death without mercy. 

Why was one man apathetic and another man passionate? 

I think it’s about the way these two men lived their lives.  The habits they invested in.  If you keep doing whatever you want you start to just feel okay about it.  But if you live in the presence of God where correction and rebuke are commonly given, you have a different perspective on what’s right and wrong—namely you have God’s perspective.  One man saw his actions as totally fine and acceptable because he lived a life of being the judge of things while the other man saw an atrocious crime against God’s honor and it angered him enough to slay the man on the spot.  

What perspective do you live by?