sweaty palms and an eager breath.
The first time he held my hand I thought for a moment that my nerves were playing tricks on me, because I was under the impression that my feet were not fully touching the ground below. Instead of walking strong stable steps I was floating, gliding almost, as if I hovered above what felt like an invisible platform. The security of such contact was illogical yet my faith in it kept telling me logic was now relevant. Science becomes cacophony. Lights shine brighter. The air is suddenly pollutant free and I am somewhere nice. And then, of course, the bell tower tolls and my pumpkin carriage turns back into a pumpkin and I lose more than just my left shoe. I am broken.
Thinking back always makes the means seem so much more memorable than reality. Was I truly happy? yes, but was it a happiness beyond comprehension? no. I knew it couldn't and shouldn't always be like this. That would be madness. There were future stages of love that I had looked forward to. Falling asleep on a plane together, taking turns to use the restroom, our first fight, our first apologies, reading in the same room together, everything done together but without all the anxious excitement. There are those who chase after the butterflies, and then there are those who long for loyalty and a quiet understanding that it is truly a blessing to have that person be by your side despite who you are. Let me clarify...it's a feeling of being thankful that there is actually someone in the world who is willing to put up with you.
haha.
Now, the story ends. That story ends, and new ones begin. It's almost unfathomable that something so meaningful and amazing could just dissipate or change into something so insignificant and futile. One may argue that we live and learn, but I disagree. I think we knew the lesson to be learned all along but were too selfish and weak to work for it the right way so we end up disappointed or remorseful....perhaps we regret. Such a sharp pain; regret. True regret hurts like hell. It's a double stab to your ego and your well-being. However, let's introduce some more cliches and add that "nobody is perfect."
Life in a cycle.
to be continued.
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