Hell on earth

“Religion is lived by people who are afraid of hell. Spirituality is lived by people who have been through hell.”

The recipe for happiness hardly calls for Hell.  It's usually getting what we want that feels most likely to be satisfying.  

I hate Hell, yet the reality of my life is to see that I deserve it.  

My little ego wants to believe I could be good enough to not deserve it, and sometimes I believe that I'm pretty okay.  Not that I'm perfect, but that I'm not THAT bad to be told that I should rot in hell forever.  My ego simply won't believe that.  

And so long as my ego is there my thinking I don't deserve Hell will be there too.  Although it's nice to feel like you don't deserve Hell, it's also what hinders us from the reality of the Good News of the Gospel.

When an injustice is done to me then my ego will complain, get confused and have a laser focus on how wronged it was, almost without even taking into account how wrong I am because that would bruise my ego.   No matter what, I cannot and should not be wrong if my ego is preserving it's integrity.  My pride fights to always be right in order for it to remain intact.  It is built and held together by feeling right.  Without it I am rendered utterly to the flames of Hell...where I belong had it not been for saving grace.  

I rush to PRESERVE myself from THAT.  That crushed feeling of my own badness and shame.  Feeling small and leprous to society. 

But the gospel cannot get in if I am constantly resisting the very truth upon which it is built.   That I am sinner saved by grace.  And this requires that I let go and face the hellfire feelings of losing control and killing that part of me that is continually trying to preserve itself.  To die is to gain are more than slogan words, they are life-giving directions!  

And once I've passed through Hell, I'll avail myself to see with new eyes because I'll be new.  

The question in my self before I do that though is always "will I really be made new?"  

*chills* sounds familiar? 

"Did God really say....?" (Genesis 3:1)

That's the question the serpent asked Eve before she went against God's command.   

Then I'm caught in the terror of my own knowledge of Genesis 3:1 and the present reality of what seriously feels like death! 

Knowledge is only as good as the action that backs it up.  So I know that to die is to gain, BUT I'm freaking scared and angry to go through death!  Why?  Because before I die, my self is screaming with a lively shriek: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

I guess what I'm trying to say is my expectations for transformation is beginning to be more realistic haha. 

The flesh will hold on to preserving itself, meaning it will not go down without a fight!

The Spirit holds on to our life in the Spirit which comes only after we have first died to the flesh.  

We are not made to live a dual life.  Everyday we are killing sin or it is killing us.  

“because the one who sows to his flesh will reap corruption from the flesh, but the one who sows to the Spirit will reap eternal life from the Spirit.”

Galatians 6:8 

I need to drench myself in hope which is drenching myself in vulnerability over and over again.  Because the war is in God's hands, I simply go into it with the hope that He will defend me. 

There's no tangible preparation for that kind of thing, only hope.  Hope can feel like weak sauce but in that God is magnified because it shows Himself off to us.  

My natural self says that I will never be able to change, so why even try?  But the implanted Word in my heart whispers a song of hope that leads me through my valley of the shadow of death.  I go cringing or weak or simply deflated most of the time, yet there is only one way to God and that is through Jesus and the NEW LIFE He has promised us.  

We go through Hell on earth because we know it's not our end. 

Jmegrey

Shame and humility

Boy do I have a story for you! 

The other day I was on my way to park at Trader Joe's and a Caucasian lady with her son angrily looked at me and motioned for me to slow down.  Her face was red hot.  I immediately did and felt both embarrassed and guilty.  I knew I should apologize and I started practicing in order to shake off the humiliation I felt to ready myself.  But then she found me in the store and barged up to me and started cussing at me telling me that this wasn't China.  At that I got real offended and told her calm down so that I could apologize. But she yelled in face that she didn't want my apology she wanted me to drive right, and I got so angry I told her if she didn't want my apology then I'll continue to drive the way I drive.  And she said, "go back to china, and I hope you get hit by a car and die." I felt so scared but I tried to muster up some strength but i weakly responded "I hope you do too."  Which made me feel both defeated and dishonoring to God.  I was so shaken afterwards.  Shaken to my core.  My heart was laid bare before God and He knew that I had so badly wished I had yelled in the store that this lady just told me to go back to China and that white supremacists shouldn't be allowed to shop at Trader Joe's.  I wanted to embarrass her in front of everyone and throw shame on her like she did to me.  I played the scene over and over in my mind seeing her embarrassment at everyone staring at her and it felt good to see that.  God knew too, cuz He was right there with me.    Everything she said I took personally.  Even though I know anger makes people do and say stupid things, and I'm sure she was more angry about jeopardizing the safety of her kid, but I wasn't trying to defend her.  I wanted revenge simply for how she made me feel and yet another part of me knew that God in His mercy kept me from getting it.  I knew I was in the wrong, and I knew I needed to apologize but when she started making racist remarks and cussing at me I just didn't have it in me.  I got so....crushed.  I felt my core crack in half and she was winning while I was being crushed.  The feeling was....so terrible.  I couldn't move or breathe because I was caught red-handed and everything she was accusing me of was true and the consequence she said was for me to get hit by a car and die.  So much hate.  So much hurt.  All I could do was freeze until the pain passed, I cried until my eyes stung and began to think about what all this was.  What should I have done in that situation?  What could I have said to represent Christ to this lady being that I was the one who was wrong?   

It's so difficult to give Christ to someone when you know you're wrong and when they're being so cruel about it. 

But I learned a good lesson that day.  When I give Christ I am always the core-broken guilty one who has committed wrong doing in the sight of God.  I just don't always remember that when things appear to be guilt-free.  But we all know that no one is ever not in need of Christ's forgivenesses.  If we really understood God's holiness we would begin to see more clearly all the ways in which we are sinning every second deep within our self-centered hearts.  And all I can bring in actuality is an openness to my own humility when being Jesus with skin on to someone else--even the lady at Trader Joe's.  Which is crazy painful under those particular circumstances!   But it's also the gateway to grace.  

God gives grace to the humble.

"But He gives greater grace. 

Therefore He says: 

God resists the proud, 

but gives grace to the humble."

-James 4:6

Grace begins with an awful taste.  It is terrible and it is amazing.  Terrible because the core of who you are is exposed and you feel the unbearable flames of Hell so close to your soul.   How wrong you are: Shame! Shame! Shame!  Smeared all over you bringing you down to Hell.  But it is amazing grace, because at that very moment you also experience Jesus reach for you by taking your place and giving you His life instead of your death.  In an instant you are rescued and safe from what you deserved in your guilt and shame...because Jesus takes your place.  Jesus took my place when I was so aware and knee deep in my core-shaking shame. 

I hope my testimony reminds you guys to look at that awful grace and remember that it is what saves us from what is truly awful, and that is the guilt of our own sin.  I wish I wasn't driving fast in the first place, but also that I had handled that situation with less pride and more humility in order to give her Christ instead of a piece of Jamie.  

"Pride comes before destruction, 

and an arrogant spirit before a fall."

"Better to be lowly of spirit with the humble than to divide plunder with the proud."

-Proverbs 16:18-19

I guess God in His mercy is teaching me about what it means to walk in humility in order for greater grace to unfold in my life. 

Love you guys. 

jmegrey

--
Response from a fellow saint in Christ that really encouraged me:

The ease by which a person is offended reveals the shallowness of his character. Offense is only possible in a proud heart, which becomes outraged at being treated in such and such a way. "How dare that person!"

In contrast, humility makes a person impossible to offend, because their character has been forged through a devotion to forgiveness. There is no path to mature character except through repeatedly choosing humility when wronged--choosing to forgive, to repent where necessary, and to love again.

Many in our culture now celebrate offense, because it looks like passion. But it is counterfeit passion, as loveless as it is misguided. It manipulates, threatens, and withdraws affection until it gets its way. It has no peace, no patience, and no notion of providence. As Jesus said, it is the meek that will inherit the earth. Those who wait confidently for God's vindication, who forgive their enemies, who even learn to love them--they will be glorified in the end.